Masculinity is portrayed as being all about strength, leadership, and emotional resilience. But, when societal pressures push men to suppress vulnerability, reject emotional connection, and define their worth through dominance or control, it’s not masculinity. It’s toxic ideas that often result in poor behavior.
What is toxic masculinity? It’s a rigid, harmful way of thinking that affects men’s mental health while damaging their relationships, careers, and overall well-being. It can result in an intimacy disorder, leading to men feeling like they can’t or shouldn’t have emotional connections with others.
Key Characteristics of Toxic Masculinity
Toxic masculinity is a belief about how men “should” behave. These expectations, which develop and are reinforced at the societal level, make men think they’re supposed to suppress emotions, be dominant, and avoid any trait that makes them seem “weak” or “feminine.”
Key characteristics of toxic masculinity include that men must:
- Suppress Emotions. Boys and men are taught that expressing certain emotions, like sadness or vulnerability, is a sign of weakness they should avoid.
- Show Dominance. When power and control are necessary for success, men think they must be dominant over situations and those around them.
- Fear Vulnerability. Vulnerability is considered weakness, leading to men struggling to express their feelings for fear of judgment or rejection. This fear can keep them from forming intimate relationships.
- Avoid Femininity. Traits like empathy, compassion, or nurturing are considered feminine and inferior. Men are encouraged to avoid their emotions.
- Adhere to Gender Roles. Men who don’t fit masculine ideals experience shame, ridicule, or exclusion.
Consequences of Toxic Masculinity
Toxic masculinity negatively impacts the men who subscribe to these ideas and those around them. The ideas that form toxic masculinity also negatively impact society as a whole. The pressure to conform to or support these rigid gender norms can lead to emotional repression, an inability to form meaningful relationships with others, and passing these harmful ideas from one generation of men to the next.
The consequences of toxic masculinity include:
- Mental Health Issues. Suppressing emotions can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns. These concerns may become compounded if men don’t think it’s acceptable to seek therapy or talk openly about their feelings.
- Relationship Difficulties. Valuing dominance over vulnerability makes it difficult to form emotional connections. Men who are taught toxic masculinity may develop intimacy disorders, which can lead to isolation, avoidance, detachment, and control issues in relationships.
- Substance Use and Addiction. These men have to cope with their emotions somehow. If they can’t talk about them and don’t even think they should feel the way they do, they’re likely to turn to adverse forms of coping, like substance use or compulsive sexual behavior.
- Workplace and Social Concerns. Toxic masculinity extends beyond personal relationships. It also influences professional and social dynamics. It can cause men problems in relating to others in the workplace and in social situations.
- Violence and Aggression. This attitude discourages peaceful conflict resolution and can contribute to violent behaviors when men feel they must express their frustrations through anger or aggression.
Men who grow up believing vulnerability is weakness often have problems forming deep, meaningful connections. Instead, they may develop intimacy disorders that make it difficult for them to have authentic connections with others. In some cases, they develop sex addictions as a way to cope with negative emotions.
Healing From Toxic Masculinity
Healing from toxic masculinity means unlearning harmful thoughts, behaviors, and expectations and replacing them with healthier, more balanced views. Most importantly, men have to learn that it’s ok, even necessary, to connect with and rely on others.
“Healthy masculinity and the healthy identity, in general, is rooted in connection and community,” said Ed Tilton, President of Begin Again Institute. “Rarely do I see a self-made man that doesn’t have people around him helping him get to where he is.”
Healthy men recognize that they get help from people and should assist others, too, Ed said.
“You can’t be of service to others if you’re busy being idolized,” he said. “Part of healthy masculinity is knowing you can be a protector and ask for protection. The two — asking for help and receiving help — are not in conflict with each other.”
To heal from toxic masculinity, men must:
- Recognize the Signs. You can’t heal from something that you don’t identify. That means men must recognize how they subscribe to ideas of toxic masculinity and how it’s impacting them.
- Understand Healthy Masculinity. Men need to understand the difference between toxic masculinity and masculinity. They can embrace the ideas of serving and being of service to others and protecting without being authoritarian.
- Model Positive Masculine Behaviors. Men should model the behaviors of healthy masculinity they want to represent and pass on to others, especially younger men.
- Embrace Emotion. Men have to accept that emotions are human and there are no “wrong” emotions for men to experience, display, or discuss. Showing any emotion doesn’t make you less manly.
- Find Role Models. People can’t change alone. It’s important for men to surround themselves with other men who have similar thoughts and can set a positive example. Finding and becoming role models is how men continue to spread ideas that support healthy masculinity.
- Seek Help. Men may need professional support when breaking the habits of toxic masculinity, and they must understand that it’s acceptable.
Getting Help at Begin Again Institute
What is toxic masculinity? It’s a set of ideas about how you should behave that keep you from living authentically. If you recognize traits of toxic masculinity in yourself, you likely also see how it’s hurting you and those you love. Begin Again Institute can help. Contact us to discuss how we can guide you to more authentic, meaningful relationships.
Having been raised outside the US, Sako knows what it’s like to look at things from a different lens. His Armenian culture has fostered a love of close relationships where the messiness of human beings and all of their “stuff” is considered to be a part of the joy and experience of life. Sako identifies connection, compassion, humor, and growth to be his core values, which he brings into all parts of his life, especially his professional work.
