Dealing With Stages of Mourning a Relationship

Grief is a natural human reaction to the loss of someone or something important to you. While most commonly associated with death, grief is also a common reaction to betrayal or the loss of a relationship.

Learning that your partner has a sex or pornography addiction can shatter the trust and security in your relationship, especially if infidelity has occurred. It can cause intense emotional pain and feelings of betrayal. 

Even if you decide to stay with your partner, this betrayal can lead you to grieve the relationship you thought you had. Going through the stages of mourning a relationship can help you process your emotions and begin to heal, either together or alone.

Stages of Mourning a Relationship

The five stages of grief was a theory first put forward by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in the late 1960s. The original model outlined the phases of grieving experienced when people are given a terminal diagnosis or experience the death of a loved one. 

These same stages can also be used to describe the process of mourning the end of a relationship or overcoming betrayal trauma, which is common for partners or spouses of those with sex or porn addictions.

The five stages of grief are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

When grieving a relationship, everyone goes through these stages differently. It’s not a linear process, and you might not experience every stage. You may also fluctuate between reactions, feeling angry one day and accepting the next.

Here’s what each of the stages of mourning a relationship may entail.

1. Denial

Grief is a painful emotion to handle. To minimize this pain, it’s common to experience a period of disbelief and denial. Pretending that something isn’t happening is your mind's defense mechanism. It helps to numb the initial shock of loss or betrayal.

Denial is common after learning that your partner has a sex or pornography addiction. It’s difficult to learn that your relationship is not what you thought it was. It takes time to adjust to this new reality. Denial helps to slow down the grief process and reduce the intensity of the situation.

While many people experience denial as part of the mourning journey, confronting reality is important. Moving out of this stage and processing your emotions is vital to long-term healing.

2. Anger

When you feel betrayed by your partner, anger is a common reaction. You may be angry at your spouse for breaking your trust, at God for allowing this to happen to you, or at yourself for being unable to control the situation. You may even lash out irrationally at other people outside of your relationship.

Anger can feel like an outlet and a way of releasing overwhelming emotions. But in reality, it’s usually a method of masking deeper emotional pain. Talking to a mental health professional can help you process these intense emotions in a healthier way.

3. Bargaining

In the bargaining stage, you may find yourself dwelling on the "what ifs" and "if only" to make sense of the loss or betrayal. You may experience feelings of guilt or self-blame, like, "If only I had been more attentive, this wouldn't have happened." 

You may even try to negotiate with yourself, your partner, or a higher power to regain control of the situation. You may say things like, “I’ll stop going out with my friends if you agree to never look at another woman,” or “We can have sex more often if you stop watching porn.”  

But bargaining doesn’t address the underlying cause of your partner's sexual addiction or your emotional trauma. To stop the cycle of compulsive sexual behavior and betrayal, it’s crucial to address the issue and its root cause. 

4. Depression

Depression is a quieter and more subdued stage of grief. It can creep in once the initial feelings of shock and anger wear off, and you start to understand and process the situation. 

Symptoms of depression include:

• Feelings of sadness and hopelessness
• Loss of interest in hobbies and activities
• Social isolation
• Loss of appetite or overeating
• Insomnia or sleeping too much
• Feeling foggy and disconnected
• Increased alcohol or drug use

After experiencing infidelity or betrayal, it’s easy to get stuck in the depression stage of grief. Emotional trauma puts your brain into fight-or-flight mode, making it difficult to break free from negative emotions. If you are struggling with the symptoms of depression, working with a mental health professional is crucial for navigating these complex feelings. 

5. Acceptance

Acceptance is the stage of grief where you make peace with your situation. It doesn't necessarily mean you’re happy with what happened or fully forgive your partner. But you do understand and accept it and are ready to move forward with whatever’s next. 

Acceptance of relationship betrayal could mean starting to move on with your own life without your partner. It may also mean moving forward together and attempting to rebuild trust and create healthier intimacy.

Coping Strategies

Going through the stages of grieving a relationship is challenging, but it’s essential for healing and recovery moving forward. You can try using some healthy coping strategies to make the process easier.

Effective coping mechanisms for dealing with relationship grief:

• Allow Yourself to Grieve. While suppressing your pain might seem like the easiest option, it’s important to allow yourself to grieve. Acknowledge and accept the pain that your partner’s addiction or betrayal caused. Give yourself permission to mourn the relationship that you previously thought you had.
• Avoid Blaming Yourself. It’s difficult not to look at your partner’s betrayal and wonder if you did something to cause or contribute to it. But you shouldn’t blame yourself for others' actions. Focus on your own healing while your partner gets intimacy disorder treatment or sex addiction treatment.
• Practice Self-Care. Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is essential when dealing with relationship grief. Take part in hobbies and activities that you enjoy and that help you feel relaxed. This could be exercise, baking, taking a long bath, or spending time in nature.
• Practice Mindfulness Meditation. Mindfulness meditation can help you stay calm and reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety caused by grief. It can also improve emotional regulation during the mourning process.
• Write a Journal. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process your emotions and gain clarity on the situation. Journaling is a healthy outlet for expressing pain, anger, and sadness in a safe and private way.
• Build a Support Network. Partners living with betrayal trauma often feel isolated due to feelings of guilt and shame. But surrounding yourself with supportive loved ones can offer comfort and understanding. You could also try joining a support group for others going through the same thing as you.
• Seek Professional Help. Working with a mental health professional who specializes in betrayal trauma and sex addiction can provide valuable support and guidance. Specialized trauma-informed therapy can help you process your emotions, develop coping strategies, and work through your trauma.

Time and Healing

The relationship mourning process is different for everyone. There’s no set timeframe in which you will heal. For some people, acceptance happens quickly. For others, grief can last for months or years. You might regularly jump back and forth through the different stages during this time. Or you may get stuck in one particular stage for a long time.

Throughout the healing journey, being patient and compassionate with yourself is important. Healing is not a linear process, and it’s okay to experience setbacks. Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Remember that it’s expected that you’ll have good days and bad days. 

Saving the Relationship

Whether infidelity has occurred or not, sexual addiction can have far-reaching impacts on your relationship. If your partner struggles with intimacy and keeps secrets about their behavior, it can create a significant barrier to trust and emotional connection. 

If your partner recognizes their issue and is committed to recovery, you can save your relationship. But it requires commitment and hard work from both of you.

Before rebuilding your relationship, it’s essential to heal your own trauma. You don’t need to make any decisions immediately. Prioritize your recovery and work through the stages of grieving your prior relationship. Giving yourself space to process and heal gives you a clearer headspace to decide if the relationship is worth saving.

If you decide to stay together, healing as a couple is important. Couples therapy can help you to establish healthy communication and rebuild trust in your relationship.

Healing With Begin Again Institute

Finding out that your partner has a sex addiction is a traumatic experience. It can cause you to lose trust in your relationship and grieve what you once had. Going through the stages of mourning helps you process your emotions and begin healing. But processing your grief isn’t always easy to do alone.

At Begin Again Institute, we recognize the effect that addiction and betrayal can also have on partners. We believe that you deserve to embark on your own healing journey too.

Our 5-day partner intensive is specifically for partners of sex addicts who have experienced the pain of betrayal trauma. Through a series of individual and group therapies, you’ll learn to make sense of what you’re going through and take the first steps in the healing process. Contact us today to learn more and start to heal.