Getting Your Emotional Needs Met in Your Relationship

Loving someone who struggles with intimacy can feel heartbreaking and confusing. You might crave closeness, communication, and reassurance, but find your partner pulling away or shutting down when things get emotionally intense. You may wonder why something as simple as connection feels so complicated.

If your partner has an intimacy disorder, their difficulty with closeness isn’t about you. Intimacy disorders often stem from unresolved trauma that makes emotional or physical vulnerability feel unsafe. But even when you understand the “why,” it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

You deserve emotional connection and fulfillment in your relationship. While you can’t control your partner’s healing process, you can take steps to care for yourself and get your emotional needs met.

Understanding Intimacy Disorders

Intimacy disorders make it difficult to be vulnerable and connect emotionally with others. These disorders often develop as protective mechanisms in response to early emotional wounds, emotional trauma, or experiences where vulnerability led to pain or rejection.

When someone grows up learning that closeness equals danger or shame, intimacy can feel threatening instead of safe. As adults, they may long for connection but instinctively pull away when it starts to form. This push-pull dynamic can be confusing and painful for both partners.

Common signs of intimacy disorders include:

• Difficulty expressing emotions or affection
• Avoidance of deep or vulnerable conversations
• Fear of commitment or dependence
• Emotional shutdown during conflict
• Compulsive sexual behavior
• Insatiable sexual desire
• Struggle to form or maintain relationships, platonic or romantic
• Feelings of anger, fear, disgust, or guilt when touched
• Actively avoiding sexual contact
• Discomfort expressing affection
• Struggling to trust
• Social isolation
• Feeling depressed or anxious
• Having a history of unstable relationships

Regardless of whether you understand why your partner acts this way, it doesn’t feel good. Remember that your partner’s inability to connect isn’t a reflection of your value. It’s a symptom of their internal struggle, which they must want to fix and work to overcome.

Recognizing Your Emotional Needs

It’s easy to lose sight of your own emotional needs when your partner has intimacy issues. You might start tiptoeing around their moods, focusing on keeping the peace, or convincing yourself that you’re “too needy.” Over time, you may even begin to disconnect from your own feelings just to avoid disappointment.

But your emotional needs are not too much. Everyone deserves love, attention, and emotional safety in their relationships. Taking time to recognize what you need is the foundation for healing yourself and your relationship.

Think about it. What do you need in your relationship? Do you want more consistent affection or words of affirmation? Do you wish you felt like you were in more of a partnership? Would sitting down to have a real conversation about emotions make all the difference?

Think about your needs, then name them. These are the first steps to reclaiming your voice and your right to get what you want and need from your relationship.

Shifting Expectations and Setting Realistic Boundaries

Here’s the thing … love alone can’t fix the problem if you’re in a relationship with someone who has an intimacy disorder. You can offer understanding and support, but you can’t do the emotional work for your partner. You can encourage your loved one to seek treatment, but you may also need to shift your expectations and focus on what’s best for you.

For yourself, acknowledge what your partner is capable of giving right now. They may not be able to meet every emotional need you have, especially if they’re early in their healing process or not yet seeking help. Adjusting your expectations helps you see the situation clearly, without the constant cycle of hope and disappointment.

At the same time, setting boundaries helps protect your emotional space. Boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re expressions of self-respect. They define what you will and will not accept in a relationship and help you stay grounded when your partner’s behavior feels unpredictable.

Finding Healthy Ways to Get Your Needs Met

You may feel emotionally starved, like you give and give, but no one returns efforts. It’s understandable to want that closeness from the person you love, but when they’re not yet capable of offering it, you still have to nurture your emotional well-being in other ways.

Seek Support From Safe People

Surround yourself with loved ones who offer empathy and connection. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can help you feel less isolated. Groups for partners of those with intimacy disorders or addictions can be especially healing because they can provide a space where your feelings are validated and your boundaries respected.

Explore Individual Therapy

Working with a therapist can help you clarify your needs, identify unhealthy patterns, and develop new coping strategies. Therapy provides a safe space to process your emotions without judgment. It can also help you reconnect with your sense of identity outside the relationship.

Cultivate Joy and Self-Connection

Do things that make you enjoy, like exercising, spending time outside, reading, or engaging in a hobby. When you reconnect with what brings you joy, you begin to rebuild your emotional reserves and self-worth.

Practice Self-Compassion

Remind yourself that your reactions are valid because your needs aren’t being met. Treat yourself with the same gentleness and care you’d offer a friend in pain.

Strengthen Your Emotional Boundaries

Recognize when you’re trying to save your partner instead of dealing with your own emotions. Remember, you’re responsible for your healing. You can’t force theirs or do the heavy lifting for them.

Heal With Begin Again Institute

You want to support your loved one through their healing process, but your greater responsibility is caring for yourself. If your partner is in intimacy disorder treatment, you can support them and still care for yourself. If your partner refuses to acknowledge the problem or won’t seek help, you may need to decide if the relationship is worth saving. 

Either way, your healing is your responsibility. At Begin Again Institute, we offer a six-day Partner Intensive that can help you heal from the wounds of intimacy disorders and betrayal trauma. During the intensive, you’ll learn the tools you need to recover while also uniting with a small group of other women who’ve experienced similar situations.

If you’re ready to begin your own healing journey, we’re here to help. Contact us today.