Discovering that your partner betrayed you is incredibly painful. The sense of betrayal, confusion, and hurt can leave deep emotional scars. The trauma resulting from this betrayal can extend far beyond the discovery and can cause a variety of symptoms that negatively impact your life. Recognizing the symptoms of infidelity trauma is crucial for your healing.
What Is Infidelity Trauma?
Infidelity trauma is a type of betrayal trauma that occurs specifically when trust between spouses or those in a committed relationship is shattered. Physical adultery, an emotional affair, a pornography addiction, or other sexual behavior outside of the committed relationship can cause this type of trauma.
“Infidelity trauma is a type of emotional trauma, but the cause of the trauma is betrayal by a romantic partner you trusted, not a traumatic event like a car wreck or death,” said Sako Barbarian, Primary Therapist at Begin Again Institute.
“The emotional effects of betrayal at this level can be strong, severe, and long-lasting if not treated.”
Romantic relationships and marriages offer the deepest levels of emotional intimacy. When you discover that your partner betrayed you, the intimacy shatters and so does your view of the relationship and, sometimes, your trust in yourself.
Intimate partner relationships have so much power because they mirror childhood caregiver relationships. Caregivers model and teach you how relationships work. They teach you how to ask for something and have your needs met or not. As a child, your caregivers determine if you think you are safe, if you perceive the world as safe, and who you can be in that world.
“Caregiver relationships can define all future relationships because they teach you how to have relationships with others,” Sako said. “Romantic relationships tend to be extensions of that, for better or worse.”
Committed relationships and marriages are like caregiver relationships in that they provide safety and empowerment to those within them. So, when your partner betrays you, you feel like your entire life is crumbling.
“Betrayed partners often think they’re ugly or not a good spouse or that they’ve done something wrong to cause the betrayal,” Sako explained. “These thoughts aren’t true, but that doesn’t make the feelings any less hurtful or damaging.”
The wounds of infidelity trauma disrupt your sense of self. They make it difficult for you to trust others and may cause you to experience myriad infidelity trauma symptoms.
Common Symptoms of Infidelity Trauma
Infidelity trauma manifests in various symptoms that impact you emotionally, physically, and behaviorally. In other words, like other types of emotional trauma, infidelity trauma can impact your entire person. Here’s a look at some common infidelity trauma symptoms.
Emotional Symptoms
The emotional impact of infidelity is often the most immediate and overwhelming. Some of the key emotional symptoms may include:
- Intense grief, sadness, or depression
- Anxiety and panic attacks
- Anger and resentment
- Emotional numbness or detachment
- Difficulty concentrating
Physical Symptoms
The emotional toll of infidelity can also show up physically. The stress and emotional strain can wreak havoc on your body and energy levels. Some common physical symptoms include:
- Sleep disturbances, either excessive sleeping or insomnia
- Fatigue or lack of energy
- Headaches or body aches
- Gastrointestinal issues
Behavioral Symptoms
Infidelity trauma can also alter how you behave and interact with others. You may notice changes in your typical actions or social behavior, like:
- Withdrawing from others
- Obsessing about details of the betrayal
- Difficulty trusting others and yourself
“You feel like you were fooled once, so you try to remain diligent to ensure that it doesn’t happen again,” Sako said. “But that’s a trauma response to what happened to you. It’s not based in reality. That person let you down. It doesn’t mean that everyone you trust will.”
Coping With Infidelity Trauma Symptoms
Healing from infidelity trauma requires understanding what happened to you, recognizing the symptoms, and learning how to move forward from the past. A mental health professional can help you re-establish your feelings of safety and your trust in others.
“You don’t have to figure out how to cope with infidelity trauma symptoms alone,” Sako noted. “Experts are available who have experience treating people in your situation and can give you the assistance you need to heal yourself and move forward with your life, with or without your partner.”
Treatment can help you:
- Understand Your Feelings. Part of acknowledging infidelity trauma is allowing yourself to understand your feelings and where they originate. This understanding requires you to recognize what happened to you and how your brain and body naturally responded to the trauma. Then, you can begin to work through these responses.
- Mourn the Relationship. You can recognize that your relationship wasn’t what you thought it was and work through your feelings around that betrayal. You also can mourn the relationships you thought you had.
- Focus on Healing. You must care for yourself to care for others. Whether you decide to work on your relationship or go your separate ways, it’s vital to heal your own emotional health and focus on yourself first.
- Decide If You’ll Rebuild. Once you’re on the path to healing and clear on what you feel and want, you can decide if you want to rebuild a relationship. Of course, your partner must also determine if they want to rebuild and if they’re willing to admit their role in the betrayal and have remorse for how it impacted you. They also likely need to seek professional help of their own.
- Practice Self-Care. Make an effort to do things you enjoy doing. You’ll learn to take care of yourself through a healthy diet, exercise, relaxation, spending time with those who support you, volunteering, being with pets, or doing anything that makes you feel cared for.
- Get Support From Loved Ones. Leaning on those around you for support shows strength and resiliency. It also helps you recognize that your trust concerns resulting from infidelity trauma don’t need to extend to all relationships. It helps you practice trusting again.
- Work on Rebuilding Trust. Rebuilding trust begins with re-establishing your self-esteem. As you work through the healing process with support and trust in yourself, you can rebuild trust in your relationship with an intimate partner.
Healing From Infidelity Trauma Symptoms
Infidelity trauma can affect you emotionally, physically, and behaviorally. Seeking help from a mental health professional is a good way to begin your healing process. Begin Again Institute understands the healing process needed to rebuild trust.
If you’re ready to heal from the trauma of betrayal, Begin Again Institute is ready to help. Our Partner Support Program is free to the spouses of those enrolled in our men’s intensive programs. But our Partner Intensive Program is for women seeking greater healing on their own.
Learn more and take the first step toward healing by contacting us today.
Laurie is a Certified Partner Coach, a licensed Pastoral Counselor, and a certified Pastoral Sex Addiction Professional. Formerly President of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists. She is Past President of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) as well as a member of the International Critical Incident Stress Management Foundation and International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals.
