“It’s not the real thing.” … “It’s not like I’m fooling around on her.” … “Besides, she’s the one who doesn’t want to be intimate.” … “I’ll just ask God to forgive me, and she won’t be the wiser.” These are all justifications you might use when looking at porn. But the question of “Why is porn cheating?” requires being real with yourself about your pornography habit.
When you indulge porn, you are:
- Exploring Sex Without Your Wife. When you took your wedding vows, you promised to be true to her, probably saying the words “forsaking all others,” which included doing so in a mental and emotional capacity.
- Hiding Your Viewing Habits. A husband and wife share everything, not just their cars and access to bank accounts. This sharing includes being forthcoming and honest and doing nothing behind the other’s back… especially involving something as personal and private as sex.
Why is Porn Cheating?
The Scriptures share admonishments about why viewing porn is a form of unfaithfulness to your wife. For example, the last of the 10 Commandments is crystal-clear about desiring what doesn’t belong to you:
“You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife…” Exodus 20:17a, LXX
Covetousness is an important, yet often forgotten, commandment from God. When you look at pornography, don’t you ultimately desire what and who you’re watching?
Also, lust is the byproduct of viewing pornography. The Lord Jesus fulfilled the commandment about adultery (Exodus 20:14) in His Sermon on the Mount:
“…I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28, NKJV
Pornography leads you to lust and covetousness, which pulls you further apart from God. You are instead called to “…put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.” (Romans 13:14)
This call includes putting away fantasies, masturbation, and similar behaviors.
Being ‘Servants to Each Other’
In a Christian marriage, a man’s sexuality is tied to his wife’s sexuality and vice versa. The Apostle Paul distinctly spelled this out in his first epistle to the Church at Corinth:
“The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” 1 Corinthians 7:4, NKJV
This mutuality of marriage and equality of commitment the Apostle Paul spells out here shook up the meaning of Christian marriage in his day. It also should undergird what a Christian marriage is in the present day.
Deceit is a Sin
The Scriptures are full of passages regarding God’s attitude toward lying and deceit. He said to the Israelites through Moses that they were to “…not steal, nor deal falsely, nor lie to one another.” (Leviticus 19:11, LXX) This Old Testament verse still rings true to Christians today.
When a Christian man indulges in negative actions and habits his wife doesn’t know about, he essentially lies to her. Again, the Apostle Paul:
“Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds, and have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him Who created him…” Colossians 3:9-10, NKJV
This verse applies to spouses, who are to be Christlike to each other and others in general.
Porn Viewing and Addiction
When you decided to follow Christ, you chose to live a different life. But you weren’t promised to be completely free from the world’s temptations. Though pornography is just one of them, it’s serious, and it can lead to addictive behaviors.
And even when you repent of your sinful lifestyle, impure thoughts can randomly infect your mind. These thoughts can ultimately turn you back to sin and lead you away from God and those you love.
Although you may have tried countless times to break that cycle of addiction, the guilt and shame that comes with it don’t easily go away.
You may need to seek professional treatment for your pornography addiction. Doing so will help you heal the root trauma that likely causes the addiction, stop harmful behaviors, and restore your relationship with God and your wife.
Help From Boulder Recovery
Boulder Recovery uses a Christ-centered, Scripture-based approach to help you heal from sex and porn addiction.
Our 14-Day Men’s Intensive uses the Trauma-Induced Sexual Addiction treatment model. It focuses on healing trauma and wounds that spur negative behaviors and thoughts about sex.
And knowing that porn addiction also affects wives, Boulder’s Partner Support Program is for the wives of men attending the intensive. It helps wives understand their trauma and gives them an individualized plan for moving forward. It meets virtually in the evenings during the intensive. And a betrayal trauma specialist facilitates the support program.
Contact Boulder Recovery to take the first steps toward overcoming your pornography addiction.
For more than 20 years, Doug Harsch worked as both a pastor and lay counselor in the city of Chicago. Feeling called in a new direction, he completed his Masters in Mental Health Counseling from Trinity International University.
