What Does It Mean to Relapse?

Relapse is a frightening word for people in recovery. When it comes to sex addiction, relapse can feel confusing, shameful, and even defeating. But what does it mean to relapse? Is it the end of your progress or a detour on the road to healing?

Sex addiction, like other forms of addiction, is a chronic condition that often involves cycles of progress and setbacks. Understanding what relapse means is an essential part of the recovery journey for you and your partner.

What Does It Mean to Relapse?

A relapse is when someone in recovery, as a result of a trigger, returns to the pattern of behavior after an established period of sobriety that is well beyond their historical cycle.

Relapse is a series of behaviors and lies of commission or omission to cover up those behaviors. It’s a process, not an event.

Relapse is rarely sudden, and it includes emotional, mental, and physical aspects that lead up to renewing a negative pattern of behavior.

What Relapse Isn’t

Relapse isn’t the continuation of an established cycle of acting out. Acting out once a week or even once a month is active addiction.

Acting out after established recovery, taking the initiative to tell the truth, and returning to a long period of sobriety certainly isn’t what you want, but it isn’t necessarily relapse, either. This is more of a “slip ” or lapse.  

Mental health professionals disagree about using the term “slip” because some think it minimizes a fresh betrayal. But most mental health professionals agree that there’s a difference between a quickly acknowledged acting out behavior and a renewed secretive pattern.

So, how do you know the difference between relapse, a slip, or admitting to behaviors as part of the shame cycle of active addiction? Consider these key points:

1. Did you get honest or were you caught?
2. Did you re-establish long-term recovery?

Signs of Relapse

Relapse doesn’t start and stop. Instead, it’s like a snowball gaining size as it rolls downhill.

Signs of relapse include:

• Prolonged periods of disconnection with self
• Denial
• Unacknowledged anger, resentment, and/or sadness

• Defensiveness and blaming
• Isolation
• Resentment
• Missing appointments or dialing down recovery practices
• Poor physical health or health practices
• Substance use

What Happens Internally During Relapse

Relapse occurs when you move out of frontal lobe awareness, or the rational part of your brain, and merge with your emotions, negative thoughts, and circumstances. This looks like:

• Engaging in hopelessness about the success or possibility of recovery. This includes saying things like, “I tried everything, but …”
• No longer caring about consequences. You just disregard them.
• Feeding resentment instead of owning your part in creating and participating in the problem.

Is Relapse Part of Recovery?

Once you’re on the journey of recovery, you never arrive; it is a life long path. And staying in active recovery isn’t easy. Relapses and slips can highlight unaddressed areas in recovery or indicate where deeper work is needed.

In other words, relapse may show that you’re fighting your way through recovery instead of experiencing the fruit of recovery. You still need to do some work and healing.

Recovery is challenging, but that’s not an excuse for relapse. At the same time, relapse doesn’t mean you’re a failure at recovery and should just quit. The real question is whether you’re making progress in your healing. If you are, you’re moving in the right direction.

What Relapse Means for Partners

As you process and deal with the challenges of recovery, it’s essential to remember that your partner didn’t ask for any of this. They aren’t obligated to stay by your side during addiction, recovery, slips, or relapse.

So, how does a partner know if it’s time to leave? As a partner working to heal from the trauma of betrayal, ask yourself:

• What do I need right now? (i.e., time, space, separation)
• What healing activities can I add in? (i.e., therapy, groups, coaching)
• Am I feeling blamed, confused, or minimized?
• Can I see the space between myself and their addiction?
• Can I still see myself, or have I become blended with the pain/chaos? What can I do to recover and reclaim myself? (i.e., intensives, retreats, self-care)
• Is my partner violating our agreement about bottom-line behaviors, or behaviors we both agreed could not happen again if we wanted to save our relationship? If so, do I need to end the relationship?

Remaining in a relationship with a person with a sex addiction carries the risk of slips and relapse. Therefore, partners need to be empowered to choose the life they want and not be judged for it. This empowerment includes relational, financial, and legal elements that may want to be considered as recovery begins.

• Relational. Who can the partner talk to? Who knows about the addiction? The partner shouldn’t be isolated. They need support from trusted others too.
• Financial. Does the partner have a source of income? Do they have access to an equal sum of the family’s resources? Is their name on the house and cars?
• Legal. Some couples seek post-nuptial agreements that guarantee financial options in the case of divorce due to relapse.

Navigating Relapse

If you relapse, what should you do? How do you navigate it?

Relapse doesn’t mean starting over. It means you need to look closely at what has to change. There’s no need to fall into a cycle of shame or keep trying harder with the same tools. It’s time to make changes to prevent another relapse.

Do a Behavior Chain Analysis

One of the most effective tools after a relapse is a Behavior Chain Analysis. This process involves walking back through the moments, thoughts, and decisions that led up to the relapse.

What were you feeling? What were you avoiding? What cues or triggers did you ignore?

Identifying where things started to go downhill helps you recognize patterns and make changes that prevent future relapses.

Take a Polygraph

While it may sound extreme, polygraphs are sometimes used in sex addiction recovery to help rebuild trust after a relapse.

Taking a polygraph isn’t about punishment. Instead, it’s about providing transparency in a relationship impacted by secrecy and betrayal.

Reestablishing honesty is the first step toward restoring trust.

Adjusting the Plan

Relapse often indicates that something in your current recovery plan isn’t working. Rather than doubling down with the same strategies, consider increasing your level of care. That might mean more frequent therapy or joining an intensive program to give you the tools and support you need to succeed.

Re-Establish Boundaries

After a relapse, it’s important to revisit existing boundaries between you and your partner or create new ones if they don’t exist.

What are your and your partner’s non-negotiables? What happens if you violate these boundaries? Or, what do you do now if you already did?

Provide Restitution

Recovery isn’t just about stopping destructive behavior. It’s also about rebuilding what was broken. So, now that you’ve harmed your relationship again, how will you invest in it? This restitution may include participating in couple’s therapy or meeting your partner’s emotional needs in specific ways. The most important thing is that this restitution results in actions on your part, not just promises.

Getting Help From BAI

Relapse can and does happen. But it doesn’t mean you give up on recovery. If you’ve experienced relapse, don’t lose hope. Recovery is still possible, but you may need to adjust your approach. Begin Again Institute can help. Contact us today.