How To Live With a Narcissist Husband

Do you feel like your husband constantly criticizes you, refuses to understand or acknowledge your feelings, and never takes responsibility for his actions? If so, you may have wondered how to live with a narcissist husband.

You’re not alone. Many women feel overwhelmed, confused, and desperate for survival strategies when they experience this type of behavior daily. But it’s important to recognize that narcissistic behavior is abuse, and you don’t have to tolerate it. You can learn how to understand what’s happening, protect yourself, and choose healing. 

Understanding Narcissistic Behavior as Abuse

Narcissistic behavior is characterized by an extremely high sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. While he may come across as arrogant, your husband is likely highly insecure. 

Narcissistic traits and behaviors include:

• Fragile Ego. He has an inflated sense of self-importance and will lash out when he feels threatened.
• Gaslighting. He accuses you of “not remembering right” or claims something never happened.
• Manipulation. He makes you feel like there will be severe consequences if you don’t do what he wants.
• Impatience. He may have a temper or excessive mood swings, and the smallest thing can set him off.
• Lack of Empathy. It seems like your feelings aren’t heard, valued, or understood.
• Betrayal. This could come in the form of infidelity, lying to you, or misleading you. 
• Avoiding Responsibility. He refuses to take accountability for his actions and never apologizes. 
• Hiding True Colors. He acts charming in public, but is mean or dismissive behind closed doors.
• Constant Criticism. You feel like you can’t do anything right. He frequently comments on your appearance or decisions, either discreetly or directly.
• Silent Treatment. When he doesn’t get what he wants, he ignores you or withholds affection.

When your husband consistently exhibits these traits and projects them onto you, it’s a form of emotional and psychological abuse, which can have devastating effects on your health and well-being. 

The impacts of narcissistic behavior can include:

• Self-Doubt. When you’re constantly criticized, it can be difficult to recognize your own worth. You start to feel inadequate and disheartened, and lose passion or excitement for your hobbies.
• Betrayal Trauma. You continue to feel emotional pain, or betrayal trauma, even after the betrayal has occurred, and it affects your ability to trust others.
• Loss of Identity. You feel mentally disconnected from the person you once knew. You struggle to recall your core beliefs, goals, and sense of purpose.

Narcissism and Its Roots in Trauma

Narcissistic behaviors often stem from unresolved childhood trauma, neglect, or insecure attachment.

Trauma is any event that is distressing, dangerous, or puts you in harm's way. It has lasting effects on your brain, behavior, and mental and physical health. Trauma can be divided into two categories: Big T and Little T. They differ in terms of the severity of the events, the age at which they occurred, and the level of support a person has after the event. 

Experiencing childhood trauma can result in attachment disorders, which make it difficult to form healthy bonds with others. It can also impact a person’s self-esteem, ability to regulate, or trust others emotionally. It can also lead to addictive behaviors. 

For some men, the wounds left by trauma manifest as control, manipulation, and self-centeredness in adult relationships. When left unaddressed, these traits can combine with compulsive sexual behaviors or intimacy disorders, creating cycles of betrayal and abuse.

Trauma is not an excuse for abusive behavior, but it can explain why a person acts a certain way, and why deep therapeutic work and professional help are often needed for change.

How To Live With a Narcissist Husband: Should You?

It’s common for women living with narcissistic husbands to feel stuck, like they’ll just have to deal with these behaviors. This mindset is dangerous because it normalizes the abuse. 

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist husband, you can expect a cycle of abusive behavior. It starts with love, devotion, and affection, but then a switch flips, and he starts to belittle you, ignore your needs, and blow up on you. He may try to rectify his actions with more affection and a promise to change. The truth is, he won’t change unless he seeks professional help and shows a genuine desire to heal.

Coping with a narcissist often leads to further harm. You may struggle to rely on them, connect emotionally, or ever feel a sense of fulfillment.

If you focus only on your husband’s behavior, it traps you in a cycle of pain. It makes you feel like you have no control over your life, relationship, and happiness. However, you can control your reaction to his behavior and take steps to maintain your mental and emotional health.

Shifting the Focus: Healing Yourself 

Many women question their judgment after narcissistic betrayal. Healing begins with self-compassion and rejecting shame. Remember that you are not responsible for your husband’s behavior. Work on building shame resilience, so you’re not trapped in a cycle of self-deprecation. Remind yourself of your worthiness and have compassion for yourself.

Tools for healing include:

• Journaling and mindfulness practices
• Feeling your emotions without judgment
• Confiding in trusted friends or loved ones
• Undergoing trauma-informed therapy 
• Understanding and coping with betrayal trauma triggers
• Connecting with betrayal trauma groups

Focus on your own well-being, rather than your partner’s. His change is up to him, but your healing is your responsibility.

What If He Seeks Help?

It’s difficult to convince a narcissist to seek help because it’s unlikely he will recognize his own flaws. Healing is possible only if he chooses accountability and change.

If your husband has betrayed you, he must show genuine remorse for his actions and a desire to stop the harmful behavior. Remember to look at his behavior holistically, not only on the good days. 

Regardless of whether he decides to seek help or not, your healing journey remains essential. When you’re feeling stronger, you can decide what to do next.

A Deeper Understanding With Begin Again Institute

If you’re living with a narcissistic husband, his traits may overlap with compulsive sexual behaviors and intimacy disorders, which can cause deep betrayal and trauma within your relationship.

At Begin Again Institute, our Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs) help address the root causes of these behaviors with compassion and expertise. 

For partners, this means clarity. You don’t have to “live with” narcissistic abuse. Healing is possible if your husband is willing to address his compulsive behaviors and the harm he’s caused. 

Alongside our intensive programs, we offer partner support programs that enable you to connect with other betrayal trauma survivors and discover your own path to healing. We also offer a 6-Day Partner Intensive for women who want to heal on their own.

Take the first step by downloading our free Betrayed Partners Guide to Intimacy Disorders. When you’re ready to heal, give us a call.