Why don’t men seek treatment for porn or sex addiction when it’s been proven to help? It usually comes down to shame. Shame keeps people from being vulnerable. It can feel difficult to admit you have a problem and then realize you need professional help.
Developing shame resilience is crucial for healing from an intimacy disorder. For treatment to be effective, it requires a commitment to being honest with yourself and others. Learning to overcome shame starts with having empathy for yourself.
What Is Shame?
To put it simply, shame is the fear of disconnection. Connection is why humans are here. Through connection with others, people develop purpose and meaning in their lives. For connection to happen, people must be seen by others. This is the concept of vulnerability.
A person who feels shame believes that they are not good enough. A person with a strong sense of love and belonging believes they are worthy of it. People who possess worthiness dare to be imperfect and feel self-compassion. They are willing to let go of who they think they should be and believe that what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful.
To embrace vulnerability, a person must let themself be seen, love with their whole heart, practice gratitude, lean into joy, and believe they are enough. While many people believe that vulnerability is a weakness, it’s not. It is the road to connecting with others.
Guilt vs. Shame
Some people confuse guilt and shame. They are related emotions, but they are not the same thing. Guilt focuses on behavior and can be expressed as “I did something bad” or “I made a mistake.” Recognizing guilt is an important part of the healing process. You must take accountability for the harm you have caused to yourself and others through your addiction. Guilt is healthy. It indicates to your brain that you did something wrong and should make amends.
Shame doesn’t serve the healing process. Shame focuses on the self, expressed as “I am bad” or “I am a mistake.” Shame is a fixed state that removes your ability to change for the better. Instead of recognizing your hurtful actions, you absorb a blanket feeling of unworthiness. It’s difficult to break out of this feeling, take accountability for your actions, and you end up hurting the people around you more.
Shame Resilience Theory explores when people feel shame, how they feel shame, as well as the key elements of shame resilience.
12 Categories of Shame
According to Dr. Brené Brown, a bestselling author, shame and vulnerability researcher, and professor at the University of Houston, there are 12 categories of shame to be aware of. They are:
- Money and work
- Family
- Parenting
- Motherhood or fatherhood
- Appearance and body image
- Mental and physical health
- Addiction
- Sex
- Surviving trauma
- Being stereotyped/labeled
- Aging
- Religion
Many situations may cause a person to feel shame. Some people feel shame when they violate a cultural norm or something opposed by their religion. Others feel shame due to low self-esteem or having a mental illness. Trauma and abuse, particularly childhood sexual abuse, can lead to shame in adulthood for many people.
Shame is common when a person feels like they are in the spotlight or under a microscope. Those with depression, social anxiety, and low self-esteem are particularly susceptible to feeling shame in these situations. They may feel like others are analyzing their traits. Others may feel shame due to blaming themselves for the trauma or abuse they experienced.
Shame affects your mental health and well-being. It’s self-destructive, worsening your self-esteem and creating feelings of worthlessness.
Effects of shame include:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
- Feelings of loneliness or isolation
- Hypersensitivity
- People pleasing behavior
- Eating disorders
- Excessive anger
- Difficulty being vulnerable with others
- Struggling with eye contact
- Uncontrollable crying
- Stuttering
Shame causes people to avoid seeking treatment. The social stigma surrounding men seeking help for their mental health creates a barrier that’s difficult to overcome.
Understanding Shame Resilience
Shame is a powerful emotion that impacts your mental health. Most people experience shame at one time or another within their relationships, and it’s expected. But when feelings of shame become debilitating, it can lead to negative side effects, like social withdrawal. When you recognize the signs and symptoms of shame, you can start to work toward overcoming it.
The Theory of Shame Resilience
Dr. Brown was the first to express the Theory of Shame Resilience in a paper she wrote in 2006. She has given TED talks on both shame and vulnerability.
Brown describes shame as a complex and multifaceted emotion “that is so powerful that the mere mention of the word shame triggers discomfort and avoidance in people.”
According to Brown, shame makes people feel isolated, trapped, and powerless. Shame triggers vary by person, but the most common have been listed in the 12 categories of shame above.
Shame resilience aims to help a person experiencing shame to feel the opposite emotions instead. These include connection, empathy, freedom, and power.
It’s common for a person unaware that they’re experiencing shame to respond by attempting to gain power over others, being aggressive, withdrawing, or keeping secrets. Another typical response is to seek acceptance and belonging. This behavior harms themselves and others. It’s not healthy or sustainable for fulfilling relationships.
The underlying core of the human experience is the need for connection. Therefore, people are often motivated by fear of disconnection — the fear that something about us makes us inherently unworthy or unlovable to others.
Brown says: “I learned that we resolve this concern by understanding our vulnerabilities and cultivating empathy, courage, and compassion — what I call ‘shame resilience.’”
That’s when Brown honed in on studying people living wholeheartedly without shame. A common theme? Vulnerability.
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection,”
Brown writes in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection.
Shame doesn’t go away on its own. It’s pervasive and enduring unless you actively work to unlearn it. That’s where building shame resilience comes into play.
Building Shame Resilience
There are ways to become more resilient to shame. Brown outlines four key elements:
- Recognizing, naming, and understanding shame triggers
- Identifying external factors that led to the feelings of shame
- Connecting with others to receive and offer empathy
- Speaking about feelings of shame with others
One of the most important components of shame resilience is empathy, the ability to understand and share someone else’s feelings. Empathy and vulnerability can lead to feeling valued and seen by others. While shame isolates, empathy builds connection and compassion for others and yourself. It’s important to remember not just to reach out to others when you feel shame, but also to be there for them when they’re experiencing shame, too.
To overcome shame, you must first recognize and understand shame triggers. Brown offers these questions to gain a better understanding of shame and its physical symptoms.
Questions for reflecting on the physical reaction to shame:
- Where do you physically feel shame (for example, stomach, head, shoulders, etc.)?
- How does it feel (for example, butterflies in your stomach, tense shoulders, etc.)?
- How do you know when you are ashamed?
- What would shame taste like?
- What would shame smell like?
- What would shame sound like?
Developing self-compassion is a strong tool for shame resilience. You are a human being who makes mistakes, just like anyone else. Give yourself grace. Allow yourself to fail, because you learn from your failures. Be courageous in your compassion for yourself. Practice speaking to yourself in the mirror as you would a loved one confiding in you. Maintain an open mind and heart with yourself just as you would for this friend. Don’t jump to quick judgments. Remind yourself of your worthiness, and allow yourself the beautiful intimacy of being vulnerable with yourself.
Techniques for building shame resilience include:
- Identify the Source. Speak with a loved one, mental health professional, or yourself through journaling about what triggers your shame.
- Practice Opening Up. Talking about your shame can be frightening and uncomfortable. Simply put, the more you practice, the better you’ll get at it. Ask a trusted friend or family member to hold you accountable for speaking honestly about what you’re feeling. If they notice you’re hiding, withdrawing, or shutting down, they can help you work through it.
- Build Critical Awareness. Critical awareness means identifying the connections between your personal experiences and the larger societal, political, and economic forces that impact them. When you hyper-fixate on your struggles, it feels impossible to acknowledge other people in the world having similar experiences. It also encompasses recognizing that the societal expectations that create shame are likely unrealistic, unattainable, and irrelevant to your unique experience.
- Build Connections and Foster Empathy. When you create connections with others built on empathy and compassion, the relationships become more fulfilling, authentic, and long-lasting. Extend the same empathy you show others to yourself. Empathy is the defense against shame. It creates an environment that fosters growth and learning, rather than criticism and worthlessness.
- Remember: You’re Not Alone! Everyone feels shame at some point in their lives, and it’s not easy to talk about. Be brave, and know that your loved ones will likely appreciate your honesty and vulnerability.
When you practice shame resilience, you’re not only helping yourself, but others as well. When society stigmatizes vulnerability, it harms relationships and impacts people’s ability to be their true, authentic selves. Take an active step against the stigma by embracing your shame. Practice incorporating shame resilience into your daily life and relationships. Be courageous and compassionate.
Setting Aside Shame and Seeking Treatment
Many people fall victim to shame as a barrier to treatment. It’s brave to ask for help, and you are worthy of it. Shame is a powerful emotion and one that can be difficult to work through on your own. A mental health professional can help you uncover the root cause of your shame, help you unlearn harmful habits, and safely guide you on your journey to overcoming shame.
If you’re experiencing an intimacy disorder like sex or porn addiction, don’t let shame keep you from seeking the life-changing treatment you need. At Begin Again Institute, we offer a variety of treatment programs that have helped men overwhelmed by shame find healing and live an honest, fulfilling life.
Our revolutionary method, Trauma-Induced Sexual Addiction Therapy (TINSA), recognizes how negative past experiences shape your brain development and can trigger addictions. Through this treatment, we help you heal from addiction by understanding the reasons behind your behavior. In a safe, non-judgmental environment, you’ll work to overcome past experiences and learn the tools needed to regulate your nervous system and rebuild healthy neural pathways.
With the right support, healing is possible. Setting aside shame is necessary to experience the fulfilling and wonderful effects of what recovery can offer.
Help at Begin Again Institute
It’s not easy being honest about your shame. But when you take that first step, it’s a gateway to more intimate, honest, and fulfilling relationships with yourself and others.
Even though you can’t eliminate shame, Brown said you can become resilient to it. When you are authentic with yourself and others, it allows you to grow from your experiences.
“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive,” Brown writes in her book, Daring Greatly.
Work through your shame in a safe, supportive environment at Begin Again Institute. Through our many treatment program options, you can experience healing from intimacy disorder and begin your life again, free from shame. Give us a call today to get the help you need.
