If you are the partner of someone with sex or porn addiction, you might benefit from writing a betrayal trauma impact statement at some point in your healing process.
An impact statement is when you write down your experience, thoughts, and feelings of trauma and share it with the person you hurt you.
A statement like this can be a powerful tool for the person who writes it and their partner, facilitating emotional healing, fostering understanding, and supporting relational repair.
Understanding Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal trauma is the emotional pain a person experiences after someone they trust betrays them. The result is that the person may question their judgment and feel like they can’t trust anyone again.
Betrayal trauma can come from anyone you trust and rely on, including:
- Parent or Caregiver. Your parent or primary caregiver, someone your life and welfare depends on, fails to protect you from harm or harms you themselves.
- Romantic Partner. People rely on their partners for companionship, love, and emotional support. Having this support violated can result in an inability to trust in the future.
- Interpersonal. A close friend, co-worker, peer, or individual betrays your trust.
- Organizational/Institutional. When you’re dependent on an organization for community and guidance, but it acts against what you think it stands for.
Betrayal trauma is common for people who discover that their partners have a sex addiction or porn addiction.
Symptoms of betrayal trauma include:
- Helplessness. Feeling overwhelmed or incapable of changing the situation. It’s possible to feel so helpless as a result of betrayal that it’s difficult to function in your daily life.
- Sleeplessness. Insomnia or sleep pattern changes can signify stress.
- Reliving the Event. When you find yourself reliving the traumatic event repeatedly in your mind, running through different ways you could have responded or things you think you should have noticed. Repeatedly thinking about how you discovered the betrayal.
- Hyper-Vigilance. Being frequently on edge or excessively alert. This trauma response often is because you feel like you can’t put your guard down or you’ll be hurt again.
- Anxiety. Intrusive thoughts or memories from trauma can cause anxiety. The feeling of losing control or a lack of safety can also create anxiety. This anxiety can be so severe that it negatively impacts your ability to function.
- Withdrawal and Avoidance. Isolating yourself or avoiding certain situations or people.
- Mood Swings. Changing moods is not uncommon, but after a traumatic event, mood changes may become more frequent and extreme.
- Denial. Levels of denial of the betrayal trauma are a defense mechanism against confronting the trauma.
- Depression. A common symptom of betrayal trauma, depression can become debilitating and impact every part of your life.
- Restlessness and Confusion. The inability to focus or concentrate on tasks or confusion about how to do something or what to do next. Sometimes these symptoms can negatively impact the ability to perform tasks at home and work, making concentration and decision-making difficult.
- Health Problems. Emotional trauma can cause myriad symptoms, including physical health problems related to stress, including headaches, chronic fatigue, and gastrointestinal issues.
To heal from relationship trauma, you must recognize the issue, then take specific steps to repair your mental health and re-establish your trust in others. These steps may include writing a betrayal trauma impact statement.
Stages of Recovery for the Partner of a Sex Addict
There are stages of healing for those who experience betrayal trauma. They may last a few days, weeks, or even years. They also don’t necessarily go in order. It all depends on you, your mental health, and the support you have.
The six critical stages of recovery, as identified by Dr. Stefanie Carnes, an expert on the subject, are:
- Developing/Pre-Discovery. This is when the partner identifies the behaviors that are secretive or out of place.
- Crisis/Decision/Information Gathering. This is when the partner discovers the sex-addicted person’s behavior and can try any number of ways to keep the pain and trauma at bay. That is when most people begin attending recovery programs or seek counseling.
- Shock. The main feelings and actions of this stage are numbness and avoidance and a period of conflict in the partnership. That usually feels painful, and you may be beside yourself with grief or anger as well as intense self-doubt.
- Grief/Ambivalence. This is the stage where the partner may turn their energy inward and begin the healing of themselves rather than focusing on their grieving.
- Repair. This is when, as the partner, you need to be fully invested in self-care to help recreate a sense of emotional and mental stability. The partner suffering from their addiction should be in a recovery program with a solid commitment to healing and rebuilding their relationship.
- Growth. This usually happens after a partner has completed their recovery program and emerged on the other side. The partner who experienced the betrayal will move to identify with a state of resiliency.
Why Write a Betrayal Trauma Impact Statement?
A betrayal trauma impact statement is part of the disclosure process that typically happens in the second stage of recovery. It helps you communicate your experience and expectations for the future with your partner in a way that allows you time and space to think things through and truly capture your feelings. It’s your chance to tell your story, be heard, and ask for what you need in a safe and comfortable setting.
It is also a way to convey to your partner that you want to continue and repair your relationship but have reasonable boundaries and expectations of their behavior going forward.
The statement is an essential healing tool for both of you.
Writing an Impact Statement
Writing a statement is an essential tool for healing and conveying your feelings to your partner without putting a filter on yourself.
Some of the critical parts of an impact statement are:
- Why. Explaining why you are writing your message and what you hope to gain from telling your side of the story
- Impact. Write down how your partner’s betrayal impacted your physical, emotional, sexual, and mental experience. That can be bullet-pointed and simple or developed further.
- Experience. Your experience from the process, your timeline of events, your highs and lows. Whatever characterizes the pain that you have been experiencing.
- Future Needs. Explain what you need from now on. Being specific is very helpful at this point. Monthly, weekly, or even daily check-ins, therapy expectations, whatever you need to move forward with the relationship, and how you see your future together after healing.
- Gratitude. Thank your partner for listening and include expectations here as well, such as an empathy letter from your partner or when you want to see a therapist.
What to Expect From Sharing Your Statement
When you share your betrayal trauma impact statement with your partner, here are some things you might expect.
Active Listening
You hope that your partner cares enough about you and the relationship to give you their full attention, listening without interrupting and refraining from becoming defensive. Hopefully, they will validate your feelings by acknowledging the pain and harm caused. Look for verbal and nonverbal cues like eye contact, open body language, and nodding.
Empathy and Understanding
A partner who wants to work on your relationship should give a compassionate response that demonstrates that they are trying to grasp the depth of the pain they caused. Statements like, “I can see how deeply this hurt you,” or “I didn’t realize the full impact of my actions, and I’m so sorry” indicate empathy.
Accountability
You want your partner to take full responsibility for their actions without blaming you or external factors. That shows they’re willing to do the work to heal themselves. Avoidance of minimizing or justifying their behavior is crucial.
A Commitment to Change
They should express a genuine willingness to make amends and engage in behaviors that rebuild trust. This might include participating in therapy, being transparent, or adhering to specific boundaries requested by the betrayed person.
Openness to Feedback
Your partner should be open to hearing what you need for healing and be willing to adapt accordingly. That means attending counseling, checking in, etc. Constructive feedback should be met with humility rather than defensiveness.
Behavioral Changes
Actions are as important as words. Your partner should show through consistent behavior that they are working to rebuild trust (e.g., being honest, respecting boundaries, and demonstrating reliability).
Respect for Boundaries
Your partner should respect your emotional and physical boundaries without pushing for immediate intimacy or resolution. They caused this situation. Part of taking responsibility for it is giving you the time and space to heal.
If your partner responds with defensiveness, blame-shifting, dismissiveness, or avoidance, these are red flags that they may not yet be ready to engage in the repair process. Open communication and professional guidance may be needed to address these barriers.
In a healthy scenario, sharing an impact statement should foster mutual understanding, emotional connection, and the first steps toward rebuilding trust and intimacy.
How BAI Can Help
At Begin Again Institute, we understand the impact your partner’s betrayal has on you. We want to help you salvage and repair your relationship if it’s something you’re both committed to doing.
We offer a 14-Day Men’s Intensive and a 14-Day Christian Men’s Intensive to help men identify the root cause and begin recovery from sex addiction or other intimacy disorders.
Each of our intensives comes with a free, virtual Partner Support Program to lead you through the initial steps of recovery for betrayal trauma. If you think you need more assistance, we also offer a 5-Day Partner Intensive focused solely on your independent healing.
To learn more about our programs or enroll, contact us today.
Laurie is a Certified Partner Coach, a licensed Pastoral Counselor, and a certified Pastoral Sex Addiction Professional. Formerly President of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists. She is Past President of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) as well as a member of the International Critical Incident Stress Management Foundation and International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals.
