Being masculine isn’t a problem, but toxic masculinity is. Too many men were taught that strength means silence, power means control, and showing emotion is a weakness. These outdated beliefs harm you and everyone around you. But you can change the narrative of your life and how you engage with others by overcoming toxic masculinity.
Understanding Toxic Masculinity
Toxic masculinity is rooted in ideas about how men are “supposed” to act. These beliefs, often reinforced by culture, media, and social norms, pressure you to conform to a narrow, harmful definition of manhood. It discourages emotional expression, prioritizes dominance, and shames anything considered “feminine.”
Some of the defining traits of toxic masculinity include:
- Emotional Repression. Boys are told to “man up” and hide emotions like sadness, fear, tenderness, or anything that might make them appear vulnerable.
- Dominance and Control. Strength is often equated with power, pushing you to assert dominance in relationships, careers, and social situations to prove your worth.
- Fear of Vulnerability. Opening up or asking for help is seen as weak, leaving you feeling alone and sometimes lonely.
- Rejection of the Feminine. Qualities like empathy are labeled as “unmanly,” leading you to suppress these important parts of yourself.
- Strict Gender Expectations. Those who don’t conform to traditional male roles often face judgment, ridicule, or exclusion, which creates a cycle of shame and silence.
Toxic masculinity doesn’t just harm you. It hurts everyone around you, including your sons or other boys who look up to you.
Common consequences of toxic masculinity include:
- Mental Health Concerns. When you’re taught to bottle up your emotions, it can lead to concerns with mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Also, you may feel ashamed to seek help for these concerns, further compounding the issue.
- Relationship Challenges. Building deep, emotional connections is challenging when you can’t be vulnerable with another person. This can lead to patterns of behavior that undermine intimacy.
- Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms. Without healthy outlets for emotional expression, you may turn to substances or even compulsive behaviors, like compulsive sexual behaviors, as a way to numb or manage your feelings.
- Violence or Aggression. When you’re taught that anger is the only acceptable emotion, it can lead to explosive behavior. This mindset can escalate conflict and contribute to physical or emotional harm to yourself or others.
Recognizing Toxic Masculinity in Everyday Life
Toxic masculinity isn’t always loud or obvious. In fact, it’s so “normal” or “typical” that it often hides in plain sight. Here’s what these attitudes and behaviors can look like in daily life:
- Internalized Beliefs. You think you’re supposed to “tough it out,” avoid asking for help, or stay silent during emotional moments.
- Social Dynamics. In male friendships or group settings, toxic masculinity might show up as teasing someone for showing emotion or brushing off sexist remarks as “jokes.”
- Workplace Expectations. In professional environments, you may feel pressure to always appear confident or avoid showing uncertainty to prove your competence.
- Parenting. Phrases like “boys don’t cry” or “man up” are still common, teaching boys early on to suppress emotions.
Steps to Overcome Toxic Masculinity
The good news is that you don’t have to continue to live under the pressures of adhering to toxic masculinity, and you certainly don’t have to pass it along to others. Here are some steps to overcoming toxic masculinity.
Learn to Express Your Emotions
Humans have a full range of emotions. Learning to name, process, and share all of your feelings is essential to being emotionally healthy. Give yourself permission to feel and express those feelings without editing or judgment. The more you express your emotions authentically, the easier and more natural it will become.
Redefine Strength
There’s more than one way to be strong, and it has little to do with control, dominance, or even your physical appearance. Strength is about integrity, empathy, and authenticity. It comes in various shapes and sizes, and it appears differently to everyone. Learn to redefine what strength means to you, both in how you identify it in yourself and others.
Surround Yourself with Examples
As the saying goes, you’re known by the company you keep. Surround yourself with other men who don’t subscribe to toxic masculinity and support each other. Look for “heroes” who defy these harmful stereotypes and ideas. Model the behavior you admire in others.
Call In Harmful Behavior
When someone says something sexist or toxic around you, call them in. Be sure to provide a positive explanation about why what they did was problematic. Remember that the goal is to start a conversation that changes the way they think and behave, not to shame them or make them feel bad.
Create Room for Conversation
Other men may also recognize the problem and want to move beyond these harmful ideas, but they don’t know where to start either. Encourage honest conversations about masculinity, emotions, and expectations of men. Just having these conversations can make a difference.
Practice Self-Compassion
The ideas you’re trying to overcome aren’t new. They’ve been ingrained into men over long periods. That means unlearning them will take time. You’ll make mistakes. That’s ok. Be patient with yourself and remember that it’s about progress, not perfection.
Seek Help
Toxic masculinity and issues related to it, such as intimacy disorders, aren’t easy fixes. You’re changing the way you’re “wired.” You may even get pushback from yourself and others. But you don’t have to try to get to the root of your issues or overcome them alone. Seeking help from a mental health professional can make a real difference.
Heal With Begin Again Institute
At Begin Again Institute, we help men break free from the harmful beliefs and patterns that hold them back. If you’re ready to step into a more authentic version of yourself and take steps toward overcoming toxic masculinity, we’re here to help.
Reach out today to discover how we can support you on your journey toward emotional freedom and meaningful connection.
Edward Tilton is a proven behavioral healthcare leader with an established track record in the recovery industry space. As an accomplished healthcare leader, Ed has diverse management experience including clinical and business operations, expansion of program development, and clinical service offerings.
