Rebuilding Trust in Your Relationship After Sex Addiction

Clinical Conversation with Matthew Russell, MA, LPCC
Begin Again Institute

Greg (00:08): Thanks for being with us. My name is Greg with Begin Again Institute, and I’m here with Matthew Russell, one of our clinicians, who’s going to talk to us today about a really important question, which is: Can a marriage, can a relationship survive sex addiction? Matthew, thank you for being with us. I’m gonna dive right in. That question is one that we get a lot when people are struggling with these issues: sex addiction, porn addiction, intimacy disorders. We’ll have partners call us. We’ll have men call us. And I think in both of those people’s minds, it’s one of the major drivers for them figuring out what they do and and how they address these issues. Can our relationship survive this? Not just stay together, because I think there’s a difference between a relationship staying together and a relationship being in a really healthy, authentic, intimate place. Therapeutically, what does the research actually say about whether relationships can survive intimacy disorders? And what does your clinical experience tell us?

Matthew Russell (01:18): Yeah, this is a very deep and you know emotionally turbulent time for couples, but the short answer is yes. A marriage or a relationship can survive, you know, betrayal or sexual addiction. And it also requires a lot of work and help for both partners. Both individually and together. So clinically I’ve seen success in couples doing the work and not only surviving the addiction, but also learning to thrive. And it does take time, but it is possible. And I’ve also seen a handful of couples that just don’t make it. They decide to call it quits and they go on their separate ways, but they still have to co-parent, right? They still have to have some degree of a relationship. And so I’ve seen both sides. And it is, and know it is, relationship dependent. It is dependent on how much damage does the addiction do. Does the addict really turn around and show, or does he just half fast it and then you know end up having another discovery? So there’s a lot of variables that you have to consider. But again, back to the short answer, yes, it is possible if both partners put in the work.

Greg (02:39): Well, I love hearing that the answer is yes. I also totally understand that what we’re talking about is really hard to generalize. You know, every relationship is different and every set of experiences that brought a relationship to a point where they’re even considering this type of question are different. You know, you used, you distinguished survival and thriving. The difference between a relationship finding a way to survive and a relationship finding a way to thrive. And I think that’s a really important distinction. Are there any factors in your experience that help predict whether a relationship will make it through something like sex addiction or porn addiction?

Matthew Russell (03:25) Yeah, there are. one specific thing I want to really hit hard on is the betrayed spouse. The betrayed spouse needs maximum support in order to make this thing work. Their world has been turned upside down. There is no trust. Everything that she once knew was true is now lies. And so there she has to have a lot of support because that betrayal trauma is basically another form of PTSD that we’re finding. And so I need to emphasize that part. The addict oftentimes when they do turn around and are serious about their recovery, they tend to recover a little quicker. It’s still a long process, but they recover and then they wonder, well, why is my spouse not recovering? And that’s where understanding of the recovery process really needs to set in for both of them. That it’s gonna take longer for her to recover and trust you again in order to make that work.

And the relationships that I see thrive, they both have that understanding. They both have that patience. He’s gonna make the sacrifices to make sure she feels safe, make sure she feels like she’s the priority, and cultivate that space for that trust to be restored. And so I just want to really emphasize on the partner support. Partner support, his individual recovery, her support is not dependent on his recovery, it’s separate, and then also, you know, sprinkling some solid couples counseling. And that that is the combination or the yeah, the combination for success.

Greg (04:58): I think that’s a really good point. The unfortunate thing about sex addiction is that for a person who deals with that, there’s a person that’s harmed by that, the betrayed partner, like you said. And that person deserves their own healing, separate from the person who’s you know, engaging in sex addiction, engaging in porn addiction, there’s a person that has been betrayed by that that deserves her own version of healing that is distinct from the treatment that a person dealing with sex addiction might receive. You know, in your experience at Begin Again, without giving us any personal information, obviously, can you tell us a little bit about a couple or an example of a couple that’s come through the program that you thought, I don’t know if this relationship is gonna make it, but you saw something different happen in the end?

Matthew Russell (05:55): Yeah. I have several examples, fortunately, of successes. but to generalize it, it really comes down to the commitment of the addict. Are you serious? Are you gonna show changes? Because she doesn’t need words, she doesn’t need promises. She needs to see change. And seeing change takes time. It takes dedication, it takes commitment, it takes sacrifices. Can you prioritize your partner’s safety and what she needs over yourself? And that’s a big adjustment for the addict. And what I’ve found in you know, successful couples that learn to not only survive, although there is a period of survival, they learn to thrive after a while. And that be that’s because of both the work that they put in. But he has to really prioritize her safety and prioritize her, separate from his recovery. Like he’s gotta recover, but he’s gotta also have her space and, you know, really adapt to what she needs. And that’s a new thing for her to be the priority again. And it’s also compelling because she’s seeing that change. She’s not seeing empty promises. She’s starting to see that what he says and what he does mean something. And she sees that in him. She sees that in him and the way he parents, the way he interacts with his kids, the way she interacts with him. And that’s what they really need to see. And so the couples that I’ve seen successful have all those elements in that.

Greg (07:21): Thank you for that. I think that’s really poignant. It’s sort of unfair, right? For when we have a person who’s struggling with porn addiction or sex addiction, we have this person on the other side of the coin that’s been harmed by that and now has to do their own healing as a result. That’s a sad thing, but what I hear you saying is that if both parties recognize that there’s healing necessary for both, then the relationship has a chance to make it, but not only make it, but heal and maybe progress to a place of of of real health and wellness that it may not have had for a very long time. That’s promising.

Matthew Russell (08:06): Right. Yeah, they basically have to start all over. And in a way that could be refreshing. Like, okay, over time, this is a process, it’s not just a sudden change. They both eventually come to a conclusion, like, yep, the past is past, that happened, it mattered, and now we’re a completely new couple. We’re a whole different dynamic and we don’t have to revisit the past. We’re just gonna embrace what we have now. And sometimes, you know, they have a stronger relationship than they ever did before. And again, I’ll reemphasize that takes a lot of work, a lot of dedication and patience. Patience both for yourself, for your partner and the relationship.

Greg (08:44): I’m taking away that it’s possible for the relationship to make it through sex addiction, to make it through these issues, but it’s gonna take a lot of work and both people in the relationship need to want it. So if, when you are thinking of a betrayed partner, what in your opinion, what does she actually need in order to even consider staying? What has to happen for her?

Matthew Russell (09:10): She needs her own support, first of all. And I would encourage, for both parties, not to make any decisions when crisis is at its peak. Right? Find your support, find the people you trust, find consult, maybe counseling, and make those big decisions when you’re in a more stable state or more regulated state. You know, ultimately, it’s the betrayed partner that gets the decision whether the marriage goes on or not. And we have to honor that. If she feels that she’s no longer safe and she doesn’t want to put in the work ’cause they don’t deserve it, which is true, then that’s fine. We have to honor that and we have to figure things out, how we move on from there. But they both need their support and they need to come to a a space where they’re in the the thinking brain to make those logical hard decisions, not not at the peak of crisis.

Greg (10:12): Yeah, I think that’s a really good point. That in the moments of discovery, in the moments of crisis, as you put it, it’s often a challenging time to be making really big decisions about the relationship, about where it needs to go. So I think that’s great advice. For those relationships that are going to heal and really thrive after something like this, what does real repair look like?

Matthew Russell (10:38): Yeah, it’s a good question. Real repair, I mean, that’s very relationally  dependent. But the repair is between the man and wife, right? Between them. Can they get back to where they were? And some. And that’s really, that is the focus. To put it in a different context, which I might hear some criticism on, but you know, kids are temporary. Kids are a temporary assignment for us. They’re only there, you know, until 18, 19, maybe for some twenty-two, twenty-three, and then hopefully they leave the house, they leave the home. And you know, a success story is that. And then what do you have with your relationship? If you haven’t been cultivating that relationship the entire time, it’s gonna be really hard to do it then. And so what I’m alluding to is focusing on each other should be a priority over all things. If they’re focusing on the relationship and there’s trust and love, well that all spills down to the children naturally. But if they don’t focus on the relationship, there’s a lot of the opposite, right? The mistrust, the emotional gap, the lack of intimacy. Well, that also pours down. And so focusing on each other should be the primary goal, prioritizing your partner. And that goes on both sides. You know, prior what are the needs of the partner? And ideally in a relationship you complement that. You’re feeding her needs and she’s feeding his needs and together you have this beautiful homeostasis. And if mom and dad are getting along well, well, the children will feel that. But it all always starts with prioritizing the relationship.

Greg (12:17): I love that concept that if a couple, parents in particular, are really in a healthy, thriving place relationally, then the kids feel that. That the impact of a person who’s struggling with sex addiction healing, the impact of a betrayed partner healing, and then that couple being healthy, it pervades the whole family. And in theory, generations. It really just speaks to the importance of this type of work and really going to get the treatment that you need and healing from this on both sides of the coin. Yeah. So here’s a hard question. Is there a point at which a relationship is beyond repair?

Matthew Russell (13:04): That’s the hard question. And the answer is yes. There are. And we you know, we’d be negligent if we didn’t approach it that way. You know, in the conditions that, let’s say, the addict relapses and continues to relapse and continues to say I’m sorry and makes empty promises. Well, that’s abuse. That’s another form of abuse, right? They’re just manipulating and that’s not a safe space for that partner to be in. And so the tough decision, again she gets that choice, is to maybe it’s best for her to go her own way because of her own safety, her own trauma. You know, in that scenario you’re just redoing the trauma and just adding more and more layers. And so that’s one thing and you know, again, even after first discovery is say she decides to leave because of all the trauma, she gets that right. And so the answer is yes. Sometimes the best option is to just end the relationship. And it might be best for both of them. It might be best for the kids. That’s not every scenario, but it is some scenarios.

Greg (14:10): Yeah, thank you for that honesty. I mean, I think it’s hard to hear, but it’s like you said, it’s true for some. I think most people that come through our program, they’re not at that point, right? There’s this place of potential healing and potential for this beautiful, thriving relationship in the future. But for some, the damage is too great. And the healthiest thing for both people and the family is an ending of the relationship in the way that it was historically. It can look different going forward.

Matthew Russell (14:41): Absolutely. And oftentimes it has to look different because they have to do a co-parenting thing. So they might not be completely out of your life. That’s likely not realistic for every couple, but they have to learn to co-parent. You know, how’s that gonna impact the kids? And so yeah, you know, even though the relationship’s terminated, they still have to co-parent is another another thing to consider.

Greg (15:03): Yeah, there’s a version of a relationship that looks different but is healthy in its own way, even if the people aren’t together. What would you say to that couple who’s right on the fence right now? You know, they aren’t sure whether to repair or to separate. They aren’t sure whether the man needs to go get treatment for his sex addiction and the partner needs to go get treatment for her betrayal trauma. They aren’t sure what to do. What would you say to that couple?

Matthew Russell (15:30): Yeah, that’s a tough situation to be in no matter who you are. From where I’m sitting, one of the more helpful ideas is to acknowledge that there’s a problem and for the addict specifically, are you willing to go get help? Are you willing to acknowledge that there is a problem and that’s causing a rift in your marriage. And if that the answer is yes, then I encourage you to find help somewhere. And also this is where the healthy space comes in. You know, sometimes having a healthy space between each other is necessary. It’s necessary for you to get help and for you to get treatment. And it’s necessary for her to have space so she can start to go get her help and support and process what’s what’s going on. and healthy space is healthy. Having that time, whether it’s two weeks or a month, is healthy to kind of get your bearings. And like we said earlier, to get in a regulated state in preparation to make those hard decisions. And so I encourage the person that’s struggling with addiction, you know, look at yourself in the mirror. Is this what you want for yourself? If you want help, there’s help. And I encourage you to seek it.