It hurts when you’re betrayed by someone you thought you could trust. Betrayal can shake your sense of trust, security, and self-worth. And you never know what might take you right back to the moment you found out about the betrayal. Understanding betrayal trauma triggers and developing coping mechanisms can help you keep from allowing these harmful moments to delay your recovery.
What Is Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal trauma is the emotional pain a person experiences after someone they trust betrays them. The result is that the person may question their judgment and feel like they can’t trust anyone again.
Betrayal trauma can come from:
- Parent or Caregiver. This type of trauma occurs when your parent or primary caregiver, someone your life and welfare depends on, fails to protect you from harm or harms you themselves.
- Romantic Partner. People rely on their partners for companionship, love, and emotional support. Having this support violated can result in an inability to trust in the future.
- Interpersonal. A close friend, co-worker, peer, or other person betrays your trust, causing you harm.
- Organizational/Institutional. When you’re dependent on an organization for community and guidance, but it acts against what you think it stands for.
People respond to betrayal trauma differently. But you’re likely to relate to some of these common symptoms if you’re experiencing this type of trauma:
- Mood Swings. Having extreme emotional mood swings, like going from sad and depressed to angry and raging.
- Helplessness. Feeling overwhelmed, incapable of changing the situation, or even unable to function in your daily life.
- Reliving the Event. Thinking about the event repeatedly and considering different ways you should have or could have responded.
- Hyper-Vigilance. Being frequently on edge, excessively alert, or anxious.
- Re-Experiencing. Reliving the experience, even when you aren’t trying to, like during your sleep or during a flashback, where you feel like you’re re-experiencing the betrayal and can’t stop it.
- Withdrawal and Avoidance. Isolating yourself or avoiding certain situations or people.
- Denial. Denying the betrayal happened or pretending that it didn’t to defend yourself against the emotional impact of it.
- Restlessness and Confusion. The inability to focus or concentrate on tasks or confusion about how to do something or what to do next.
- Dissociation. Separating the traumatic event from your day-to-day life and continuing as if the traumatic experience didn’t happen. Dissociation is an extreme form of denial where a person blocks out or can’t recall complete parts of a situation.
- Physical Health Problems. Trauma can cause physical health problems related to stress, including headaches, chronic fatigue, and gastrointestinal issues.
What Are Betrayal Trauma Triggers?
Betrayal trauma triggers are emotional or sensory cues that remind you of the pain and distress the betrayal caused. These triggers can be anything that activates past wounds, causing an intense emotional or physical reaction.
When you experience betrayal, your brain encodes the event along with associated details, such as sights, sounds, or emotions. Later, when you encounter something that resembles those details, your brain perceives it as a potential threat, triggering a stress response. This response can be any of the symptoms listed above or others.
Common types of betrayal trauma triggers are:
- Situational. Being in places where the betrayal occurred, such as a restaurant where a partner met someone else.
- Verbal. Hearing phrases similar to those used during the betrayal, like “you’re overreacting.”
- Behavioral. Noticing similar behaviors, like secrecy or guarding their phone.
- Sensory. Things like smells, sounds, or music that were present during the betrayal.
- Emotional. Experiencing feelings of abandonment, rejection, or distrust in new situations.
- Anniversary. Significant dates that remind you of when the betrayal happened.
Triggers can cause a fight-or-flight response, leading to overwhelming emotions, difficulty concentrating, or impulsive reactions. Identifying triggers can help you better understand what’s happening when you’re exposed to them and how to respond.
Recognizing Your Triggers
To know how to respond to triggers, you first have to know what they are. Identifying betrayal trauma triggers is a crucial step in managing emotional reactions and regaining a sense of control.
To identify your triggers:
- Notice Emotions. Do certain situations make you feel sudden anger, sadness, or anxiety? Do you feel an overwhelming sense of fear, betrayal, or mistrust in response to specific people or events? Are there moments when your emotions seem disproportionate to the current situation? Emotions that don’t mesh with the situation are a sure sign that you’re triggered.
- Observe Symptoms. Your body may respond to a trigger before your mind fully processes it. Look for symptoms like an increased heart rate, nausea, a sense of panic, muscle tension, or an urge to flee the situation.
- Identify Patterns. Keep a journal of situations that cause distress. Write down what happened, how you felt, and what memories surfaced. Look for common themes and consider how past experiences may be influencing current reactions.
- Reflect. Do certain thoughts identify your emotional response to specific situations? For example, do you feel extreme anger when you don’t feel like you’re “good enough” in a given situation? If so, these thoughts may be related to past experiences.
- Pay Attention to Relationships. Are there certain people who you no longer feel comfortable around? If so, does something about them or their behavior remind you of the betrayal?
Once you identify triggers, call them out as what they are. If you don’t identify them, you can’t work to overcome them.
Coping With Betrayal Trauma Triggers
Once you recognize your betrayal trauma triggers, the next step is learning how to manage them in a way that minimizes emotional distress and supports your healing process. Consider trying these methods of coping with betrayal trauma triggers.
Use Grounding Techniques to Stay Present
Triggers can pull you back into past pain, making it feel as if the betrayal is happening all over again. Grounding techniques help anchor you in the present moment. Consider:
- Deep Breathing. Inhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds to calm your nervous system.
- 5-4-3-2-1 Method. Identify five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
- Physical Grounding. Hold onto something textured, place your feet firmly on the ground, or splash cold water on your face.
Engage Emotional Regulation Strategies
To engage emotional regulation strategies, you must first acknowledge and name your feelings. “I’m triggered by this song that’s playing, and it’s making me feel anxious.” Then, remind yourself that your reactions are valid and that healing takes time. It may even be helpful to express your emotions by journaling about what happened or talking to a trusted friend about it.
Try Cognitive Reframing
Cognitive reframing helps you change the way you perceive and interpret negative thoughts, experiences, or situations by shifting your mindset.
Three steps to cognitive reframing are:
- Identify the Negative Thought. Recognize the automatic belief triggered by the situation.
- Challenge Its Accuracy. Question whether the thought is based on facts or assumptions.
- Replace It. Shift to a perspective that promotes healing and resilience.
So, for example, instead of thinking, “I’m an idiot for trusting him,” instead think, “I am learning how to identify who I can truly trust.”
Set Boundaries
The best way to cope with a trigger is to avoid exposure to it at all. If certain places, people, or media worsen your distress, limit your exposure to them. If someone’s behavior makes you uncomfortable, communicate your needs or distance yourself when necessary. Use boundaries to protect yourself as much as possible.
Practice Self-Care
Intentionally work to care for your physical, emotional, and mental well-being by participating in activities that restore your energy, reduce stress, and support overall health. Self-care includes eating nutritious meals, movement, engaging in hobbies, spending time with loved ones, deep breathwork, and meditation.
Work to Rebuild Trust and Security
Work on rebuilding trust in your own judgment and intuition. Then, you can begin to take small steps toward trusting others, like recognizing that not everyone will betray you. Begin to re-establish your sense of self, trust, and security.
Seek Professional Help
A betrayal is something that happened to you, but it shattered your sense of self and your ability to trust your own judgement. It may take professional assistance to rebuild your sense of trust and security. Consider working with a trauma-informed therapist who can help you process triggers and develop coping strategies.
Healing Beyond the Triggers
Healing from triggers and
At Begin Again Institute, we offer a free Partner Support Program to the wives of men who are participating in our 14-Day Men’s Intensive or our Christian Men’s Intensive. We also have a 5-Day Partner Intensive for women seeking help and healing on their own.
We are here to help guide you on your journey to recovery from betrayal. If you’re ready to get your life back, contact us today.
Laurie is a Certified Partner Coach, a licensed Pastoral Counselor, and a certified Pastoral Sex Addiction Professional. Formerly President of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists. She is Past President of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) as well as a member of the International Critical Incident Stress Management Foundation and International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals.
