Am I Addicted to Porn?

Clinical Conversation with Matthew Russell, MA, LPCC
Begin Again Institute

Greg (00:08): If you’ve ever Googled, “Am I addicted to porn?” at two in the morning and then close the tab before you finish reading? This video is for you. Today I’m sitting down with Matthew Russell, a therapist at Begin Again Institute, to answer the question that stops most men before they even start. Is porn addiction real? Matthew, clinically, how do you define porn addiction?

Matthew (00:35): Well porn addiction if you really want to conceptualize it was just a manifestation of what a bigger problem is. And the bigger problem is it’s an intimacy disorder. They’re sacrificing meaning, that’s sacrificing meaningful relationships for counterfeit versions of connections. And pornography addiction is just one facet of that.

Greg (00:55): So that makes sense. How do you know then if what you’re dealing with is an addiction versus just a bad habit? What makes it an intimacy disorder?

Matthew (01:05): So it’s a great question ’cause it’s a deep answer. But ultimately, is it interfering with your personal life? Is it interfering with your professional life? Are you finding yourself more isolating and spending more time with self-soothing behaviors, i.e. pornography or other versions of that, than you are with your children or with your spouse or with your friendships? And those are tough questions that you have to ask yourself and be honest. You have to be honest with yourself. And if the answers are yes, then you might have a problem.

Greg (01:40): That makes a ton of sense. So if that’s the case, if these things are interfering with someone’s lives, how does that happen? Like, when does it move from habit to addiction? When does it move from normal behavior to problematic? Is there a cause?

Matthew (01:56): Yeah, then and the causes likely happens in early childhood. And that’s why we really have to delve into what was your childhood like? What was home life like? What was your relationship with your parents like? And that’s the formative years where usually the introduction to content like pornography is introduced, which can be overwhelming to the young mind. And so a lot of the addiction formation, the pornography, the sex addiction, ultimately what I say the intimacy disorder, is developed then and carried on through young adult life.

And these things are often predate your spouse, predate your partner. And so you’re you’re carrying this addiction. You know, we might not show up as an addiction because it’s so secret, but it carries on into that relationship and usually manifests even deeper until eventually a discovery.

Greg (02:47): So it’s starting early on in my life. Is it just because I watch it, all of a sudden I am addicted to it? Or is there, are there other factors? Like why would why would me being exposed to it early in my life mean that I would develop an addiction, so to speak?

Matthew (03:03): Yeah, you know, it can be compared similarly to the, you know, drug use or alcohol use. Not everybody gets addicted to it right away. However, those are good sources for, you know, making yourself feel better or a coping strategy. What we call sometimes a maladaptive coping strategy. And porn is no different in that sense. It’s just different because it’s a internal pharmacy that you’re tapping into, not an external like alcohol or or or drugs.

But how you access that internal pharmacy is use of counterfeit versions of connection, women or men or sex. And so it starts off using it as self-soothing behaviors. And then you use it as a bad habit, of what I’ve heard and understand it is. It starts off that way, but it turns into a vice, it turns into a place where they can go feel better about themselves. It’s secret, it’s very accessible, nobody has to know about it, and you can do it all by yourself. And then it turns into an addiction.

Greg (04:11): Yeah, that makes sense. There’s a you know, skeptics might say it’s just porn. Millions of people watch it. Why is it a big deal? What like from a clinician’s perspective, what are your thoughts on that?

Matthew (04:22): Yeah, I mean, like I said earlier, I compared it to alcohol and drugs, you know, not everybody gets addicted, and that’s true for pornography too. But it’s also a slippery slope. It’s dare I say more accessible, especially for children and adolescents, than it is alcohol and drugs, where it’s literally on their phone. It’s on their computer. Look, mom and dad are away so I can go access whatever I want, and it can turn into something that is very prominent in their life.

Greg (04:56): Yeah, that makes sense. I’m hearing you say, right, like it’s ubiquitous in a sense. It’s everywhere and it’s very easily accessible. And some people end up using it, you said maladaptively, right, as a soothing behavior. I wonder why some people move into it becoming problematic. Like for some people it becomes problematic and for others it doesn’t. Like, what are your thoughts on that?

Matthew (05:21): Totally. And that’s where we really have to delve into like, what was your childhood like? You know, what were your relationships like with your parents? Cause going into the attachment style lens, you know, we need to connect.

As humans, we all need to connect. We need that nurturing nature from mom. We need that model from dad. We need that affirmation, validation. Am I being seen? Am I being heard? Am I being loved? And in healthy relationships, those build meaningful relationships, which gives us a reward, right? And a child never questions who they are when, they’re when they’re properly loved, when they have that secure attachment.

But in the absence of all those meaningful relationships of what makes a meaningful relationship, they seek for something similar. And that’s where pornography or sex comes in, which completely hijacks their nervous system. You know, they find that instant gratification without the work of building a relationship. And so you know, in the absence of that they’re gonna find it. And it’s again accessible, it’s easy to get, it’s gratifying, and it’s also a counterfeit version of love. And so it’s like a heroin hit, right?

Greg (06:37): Yeah. Yeah. That makes a ton of sense. It it’s almost like if I if what I’m hearing is it’s not about a person being born with some genetic predisposition to be addicted to pornography, but rather it’s a result of experiences in our early life and then the presentation of that self soothing tool that gives us the joy or the gratification or the validation that we’re looking for. For some, depending on what they went through in their early lives, it can become problematic.

Matthew (07:08): Absolutely. Yep. And then you compound that with let’s say a person is bullied all the time. They’re feeling isolated already and so they’re gonna find something to connect to. And what’s ever readily available is more likely what they’re gonna cling to and especially for young young men or young boys, you know.

They are very visual creatures by nature. And so just being exposed one time by, you know, these exotic images and content, it’s gonna be drawing. It’s gonna make them feel good and feel connected. Even though it’s a counterfeit version of connection, they’re drawn to it and then they’ll continue to go to that.

Greg (07:45): That resonates. Yeah. Well, so if you’re standing in front of somebody who’s trying to figure out if this is problematic for them, what would you say to somebody who’s trying to understand that?

Matthew (08:00): Yeah, you have to really look at yourself and ask yourself some hard questions. Is it interfering with the relationships that are meaningful to you, your spouse? If you’re a father or a mother, is it interfering with your relationship with your children? Are you finding yourself, you know, difficult to concentrate at work? Are you isolating yourself from, you know, your friendships? Are you starting to fill that void inside? You know, even though you’re doing well on the outside, are you filling that void, that numbness, that disconnection?

And if you ask, if you answer those honestly, then it might help you understand that you might have a problem, an intimacy disorder. Are you lacking the meaningful relationships in your life? What happened? Where did it start? You know? And those are some symptoms though of that you might have a problem.