Overcoming Porn Withdrawal: Tips and Support for Recovery

Clinical Conversation with Yehuda Hecht, LMSW
Begin Again Institute

Greg (00:00): All right, thank you for being here with us today. My name is Greg with Begin Again Institute, and I’m here with Yehuda Hecht, one of our clinicians. And we are talking today about pornography and particularly about quitting pornography and what that does to the body and to the mind and to the person and how long it takes to feel normal again after quitting pornography. So Yehuda, thank you so much for being with us.

Yehuda (00:27): Yeah, my pleasure and excited to jump in.

Greg (00:30): Cool. Well, this is what we know. We know that when a man decides to stop using pornography, particularly a person who’s been using it for a long period of time or very frequently, one of the first questions he asks, one of the first things he’s trying to figure out is: when is this going to feel different? He wants to know when the urges will settle, when he’ll feel present in his relationship again, when sex will feel normal, when the brain fog will leave. Well, we’re gonna dive into that today with Yehuda. So I’m going to hop right in with my first question, which is what are the first things that men typically notice when they stop using porn and when do those effects start?

Yehuda (01:11): Yeah. And you have some great hard hitting questions. I love it. Well I would say most men expect to feel better like right away. Like, I stop the behavior and what actually happens first is usually it gets harder. So what do I mean by that? Well, we call it, sometimes, emotional flooding. One way to actually think about it is you start to notice heightened irritability. You, actually your focus is being becoming more challenging. You have mood swings. sometimes you have this weird like flatness to life and emotionally. These are real and they make sense. Like that’s not something to be worried about. That’s really your nervous system recalibrating. It’s trying to get back online. Well, also, on the other hand, sometimes you have stronger urges. It’s like, wait a second, I’ve been, you know, three days without watching porn or masturbating. Why do I have such stronger urges than when I was using it more consistently? Well, as much as it’s counterintuitive, the reason why they’re louder is because your brain is looking for something that it expects. So it’s like an alarm. It’s like, hey, we used to do this. We’re so comfortable using this when we are tired, in pain, worried, feeling like a failure. Like we’re so used to using this thing and it’s not there. So it’s getting louder and louder. That’s not failure. That’s why we say the early stages of recovery feel like it gets worse before they get better. But that’s not, that’s not a problem. That’s your system trying to recalibrate.

Greg (02:37): Well, that is fascinating and it makes a lot of sense. We hear that all the time from men who call us and talk about our program and are going through this experience. One of the other things we hear about, I’m gonna get little sensitive here for a moment, is something called PIED or porn-induced erectile dysfunction. Talk to us about that. What is that? How long does that typically take to resolve if it’s something that that a person might be dealing with?

Yehuda (03:05): Yeah, well, first of all, just know it’s not, it feels like something to be ashamed about, but that’s just your body responding to an addiction, okay. PIED is real and it’s probably one of the most shame-loaded areas that men bring to recovery. Like we can talk about the traumas, we can talk about certain things, but for some reason this holds so much shame. But what’s happening neurologically is the brain is conditioned to respond to high stimulation, novelty-based things, stuff that we’ve been seeking for in our addiction, right? Now, real intimacy with a real partner, with all the vulnerability that we, you know, discuss in our program that we know requires in healing, and the novelty starts changing, it doesn’t register the same way in your mind, in your brain. It’s been recalibrating for now, real connection, and yet that doesn’t feel familiar. So the good news is there’s something called neuroplasticity, and probably a pretty familiar term these days. It’s gonna take time and it can recalibrate. That’s what it means. The brain is plastic and it can come back and create new connections. So I would say sixty to one hundred and twenty days of really good sobriety, really good recovery. you will start to see potentially some alleviation of symptoms around that.

Greg (04:22): That’s great to hear. And not too long a period of time. That’s awesome. Well, okay, so we’ve just talked about some maybe like the sexual functioning aspects that can come from stopping long and frequent use of pornography. But beyond that piece, what does the brain recovery aspect look like? You know, when we talk about things like mood and focus and energy and emotional availability, things like that.

Yehuda (04:47): Yeah, well again, every person’s you know, with the life they have, the resources, the support, the hobby, there’s so much there. But as a general, I would say, approach, addiction in its core is in a dopamine system recalibration. It’s a challenge in your dopamine receptors, right? So it’s when we pull back from like hyper stimulation that it was receiving, there’s a gap. So in that space, usually things go quiet, things become a little more numbed out, things feel a little bit different in that space, again, because your brain is not getting, so to say, this dopamine that it’s so used to having.

The way I view all of this in the beginning stages is pretending to CONTROL+ALT+DELETE. Like you control, alt, deleting all the files and stuff. So it feels like there’s nothing going on at times. It feels a little more flat. It feels like there’s a different emotional tone to things. That is really normal. It’s your brain trying to get back online to a healthy medium of dopamine intake from actual self made dopamine, not just, you know, instant dopamine. so I don’t know if that answers your question directly.

Greg (06:01): Yeah. No, it does. I mean, I think whether it’s physical experiences, physical symptoms, or emotional or mental or brain specific experiences, it sounds like it’s normal, A. And B, that time will bring back normalcy. And that is like the homeostasis of the mind can be achieved. It’s just gonna take some time and it’s totally normal. That’s great to hear. So, let’s let’s talk about speeding up that timeline a little bit, right? Like in other words, there are lots of people who try to do this on their own. And then there are lots of people, others, who go and seek treatment. We’re a treatment program for these types of issues. There are lots of other options out there. Our treatment program is focused on trauma. And I wanna know clinically from your perspective, how does addressing trauma affect the speed of recovery?

Yehuda (07:01): Yeah. Very clearly, I would say. Like the way we view it, and this is a Gabor Maté line, if I remember correctly, It’s not why the addiction, why the pain. Okay. So the addiction was serving a purpose. It was regulating something, something painful, something unprocessed, something maybe that you had a lot of shame around. And until that gets addressed, the system is going to keep reaching for the same solution. So you might white knuckle it, you might get some, you know, days or weeks or even months of sobriety here, but the behaviors will only stop temporarily because you’re not going to the root and you’re not getting to what’s actually causing you to reach out for these behaviors. When we start doing trauma work, and what we see actually pretty clearly in our intensive, is like, oh my gosh, wow. That was what’s causing that feel- when you just said that, something just shifted in me deeply. And we talked about and we asked these guys pretty clearly, like, hey, how’s your urges and cravings since you’ve been here? It’s like, honestly, since I got to that conversation, that space, that moment of connection, I had a little bit, and then all of a sudden, I’m just so, I’m so I feel aligned, my system feels healthier. Now, to me, that is trauma healing. When you get to the root, it’s not necessarily just quicker. It’s more wholesome. It’s more real. It’s more long-lasting. So trauma to me and trauma healing is really where it’s at, especially in addiction. We have to do the behavioral tools, we have to say take some behavioral steps, but that’s not gonna give you what you’re really looking for deep down.

Greg (08:34): That’s super interesting. Like I mean, we’ve been talking about stopping porn use and then what happens to the mind and body afterwards as like a very sort of like medical piece here. And you know, symptoms of stopping and how long those are going to affect you. But what I’m hearing you say is that just stopping and going through that can mean that that is a prolonged process. Whereas stopping and then going and seeking treatment, particularly trauma-focused treatment, for the issues that caused the problematic use in the first place can ramp up the recovery process, can make you feel better in a much shorter time and really root out the issue as a whole. That’s hopeful. I love hearing that. so for most men, okay, who who are experiencing problematic porn use and this stopping of it, there’s probably a partner in the mix somewhere, historically or presently. Tell us a little bit clinically, what does the research say about the relational aspect of this journey, of relational recovery and earning back a partner’s trust, really healing the relationship?

Yehuda (09:45): Yeah, so I mean this is the heart and soul of recovery again, right? Relational healing is what we call it here. And I think we moved on from an older, not that there it’s not aspects of codependency, but we’re really starting to look and when it comes to betrayal trauma and intimacy disorders from a lens of relational healing. Now relational healing inherently means there’s two people who are going to have very different timelines. So number one is your recovery timeline and your partner’s recovery timeline are on two completely separate tracks because two separate things are happening here. There’s your trauma, your pain, and your addiction, and then there’s the betrayal trauma on your partner’s side. And that can take a long time for her or your partner to find safety and trust and understanding again. Clinically speaking, what we see is if you really, you know, you really give it your all, you’re in healing, you go to an intensive if you need it, you’re finding the therapy, the support, your partner’s doing the same thing. One to three years of really sustaining that recovery process, you can really build back some trust and intimacy within that.

Greg (10:51): That’s great to hear. I’m sure a lot of people are really interested in that. It’s probably driving for a lot of men the reason why they want to stop. It’s because it’s problematic for their relationship. All right, one final question. What would you say to a man who’s maybe 30, 60, 90 days into this process of trying to figure it out, stopping, going through all these symptomatic consequences, so to speak, but they’re still struggling? They’re starting to wonder, am I ever gonna feel better? What do I do? What do you say to that person?

Yehuda (11:27): Yeah. just off the bat, like don’t measure your recovery by like how you’re feeling in the early days. It’s the direction you’re moving towards. That’s the recovery. So if you can keep moving and you’re moving through and you’re continuously looking for, again, the people, the connection, the next best move. That is what your heart and soul should be really reinforcing within you. Like I am moving in the right direction. The early months are really difficult. Like I wanna make that clear. It’s something that gets worse before it gets better. But where are you heading? And that to me is that is recovery. Again, it’s if I fall down and I get back up and I say, you know what, I’m not gonna return to these old behaviors, lying, secrecy, and minimizing. I’m going to continue this process. Well, it makes sense it’s harder in those days, but you’re also moving in the right direction. So that’s the real metric I think you, anyone who’s struggling with addiction should have is where am I heading? Is it really hard? Yes, but am I heading in the right space?

Greg (12:25): I love that. That’s so hopeful. Well, listen, thank you so much. I think, you know, if I summarize what I’m hearing you say is that there’s no universal timeline for recovery, but what we know clinically, experientially, and from research is that sustained, honest work, especially when it addresses the underlying emotional and trauma dimensions, produces real and lasting change. We know, we see the men who come through our program. They don’t just stop a behavior, they transform, they rebuild something. They rebuild their capacity to be present, to connect, to trust themselves, to be in an authentic relationship with their partner. And over time, they give the relationship the time it needs to heal as well. Yehuda, thank you so much.

Yehuda (13:14): Yeah, my pleasure.