Can You Fix a Trauma Bond Relationship?

Trauma bonds can form in relationships marked by extreme emotional highs and lows that are made up mostly of abuse and manipulation. So, can you fix a trauma bond relationship? You can, but repair requires that both people are willing and able to do the necessary work to save the relationship.

What Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a deep, emotional attachment that you form with someone abusive. It’s often the result of repeated cycles of abuse and manipulation with moments of kindness. It’s not mutual respect or love. Instead, it’s a pattern of psychological control that creates confusion, dependence, and a sense of loyalty to someone who harms you.

Trauma bonds can occur in any type of relationship, including romantic, family, friendship, or work relationships. 

Can You Fix a Trauma Bond Relationship?

The honest answer to the question, “Can you fix a trauma bond relationship?” is that it depends. Not every trauma bond relationship is doomed, but healing requires serious work from both partners. Here are some factors to consider.

Willingness From Both Partners

Do both partners want the relationship to work, and are they willing to put in the effort to save it? If not, the relationship can’t be saved. One committed person isn’t enough. Both partners must be willing to recognize unhealthy patterns, take responsibility for their roles in those issues, and commit to change.

Dedication to Self-Awareness and Emotional Work

Both people need to be open to self-reflection and possibly therapy. Understanding why you’re drawn to this type of connection is critical. Without that insight, you may be prone to repeating the same types of relationships or having the same issues in the future.

Finding Support Systems and Safety

If anyone in the relationship is physically unsafe, you must establish safety before you can move forward. In situations where there’s physical or emotional danger, safety must come first, even if that means stepping away from the relationship.

Also, safe healing rarely happens in isolation. Having an outside perspective from a mental health professional and loved ones is super helpful.

Embracing Hope vs. Reality

It’s natural to want to believe the relationship can improve. But hope can be blinding when it’s built on potential instead of patterns. It’s essential to recognize and admit if someone says they’ll change but continues the same harmful behavior.

What Healing Might Look Like 

If you’re both safe and committed to fixing the relationship, it’s possible. But it will require a nearly complete shift in how the relationship operates. You need to create something healthier that’s rooted in mutual respect and safety. Here’s what the healing process might look like.

Acknowledging the Trauma Bond

You can’t change what you don’t name. So, the first step is recognizing that a trauma bond exists. This means being honest about the unhealthy dynamics in your relationship, like enjoying the highs and lows, ignoring red flags, or mistaking intensity for intimacy. Acknowledging the problem together lays the foundation for real change.

Seeking Professional Help

Healing a trauma bond isn’t something most couples can navigate alone. A mental health professional, especially one trained in trauma, can help you discover the root cause of your concerns, develop healthier patterns, and break the trauma cycle, among other things.

You may want to consider both individual and couples therapy for total healing.

Establishing and Respecting Boundaries

Boundaries are essential to rebuild safety. Some boundaries to consider include:

• Setting time limits on arguments
• Agreeing to take breaks when conversations get heated
• Committing to no name-calling or emotional manipulation

Healthy boundaries protect you both while you work to rebuild your relationship.

Rebuilding Trust Gradually

Trust in a trauma bond relationship is often built on instability. True trust, however, comes from consistency, safety, and emotional reliability. Rebuilding trust will take time. You’ll need to establish a pattern of following through on commitments, being emotionally available, taking ownership for the past harm you caused, and actively choosing different behaviors.

Developing Emotional Autonomy

Chances are, you’ve been relying on each other in unhealthy ways. To break the trauma bond and repair your relationship, you each have to learn to identify your own needs, express those needs, and rely on yourself at times for fulfilling those needs.

This emotional independence helps create a stronger, healthier bond.

When It’s Healthier to Walk Away

Sometimes, the best choice is to end a trauma bond relationship. This may be the case if the relationship continues to cause emotional, psychological, or physical harm, or if either partner isn’t interested in working to heal the relationship. Aside from continued abuse, here are some other signs that it may be best to leave the relationship.

No Accountability

Change can’t happen if one or both partners refuse to take responsibility for their actions. If your partner blames you for all the relationship problems, denies your experience, gaslights you, or refuses to participate in therapy, chances are, nothing is going to change.

Relying on Hope, Not Reality

It’s common to hold onto the idea of what the relationship could be, rather than what it is. But if the good moments are rare and only serve to keep you tethered between long stretches of pain, that’s a negative pattern. It’s not a foundation for a future together.

Continuing Mental Health Concerns

You may be hurting yourself more if you continue feeling increasingly anxious, depressed, isolated, or unsure of your own judgment. Your partner should support your growth. They shouldn’t erode your sense of self or harm you in any way.

Nothing Changes

Maybe you’ve taken the steps outlined above, but nothing is changing. It doesn’t mean you’re failing. It may just mean that the relationship is what it’s going to be.

Healing After a Trauma Bond

Regardless of what happens in your relationship, you owe it to yourself to work on your own healing. This healing won’t happen overnight, but your mental health is worth the effort. 

Healing from a trauma bond requires:

• Embracing Outside Help. You may need guidance from a mental health professional. You will need support from trusted loved ones. These people can help you make sense of what happened, learn to manage triggers, and rebuild your self-worth.
• Reclaiming Your Identity. It’s easy to lose yourself when your focus is on someone else and trying to keep them happy. Healing means reconnecting with your authentic self and remembering what you love and want from life.
• Learning to Trust. Chances are, you have a lot of self-doubt because you were made to question what you thought almost constantly. As part of the healing process, you’ll re-establish autonomy and learn to trust yourself and your instincts again.
• Educating Yourself. If you’ve been in a trauma-bond relationship, you may not understand what a healthy relationship looks like. That doesn’t mean you can’t have or don’t deserve one. It means you have to educate yourself on what a healthy relationship entails. 
• Patience. Some days are going to be better than others. Remember to be patient with yourself and focus on your progress. 

Fixing a Trauma Bond Relationship

It’s possible to fix a trauma bond relationship if both partners are willing to put in the work. 

If you experienced a trauma bond as a result of a relationship with someone with an intimacy disorder, including sex or pornography addictions, Begin Again Institute is here to help. 

Our Partner Support Program is free to the spouses of those enrolled in our men’s intensive programs. Our Partner Intensive Program is for women seeking healing on their own. 

Learn more and take the first step toward healing by contacting us today.