It’s like a nightmare you can’t wake up from, but it’s your new reality. Your husband cheated on you. You certainly didn’t ask for this to happen, but now you’re left dealing with the fallout and working on healing from infidelity.
The Trauma of Betrayal
Discovering that your partner was unfaithful shatters your trust in the person you probably thought you could trust the most. Your world shifts, and you start questioning everything you thought you knew. Whether it came as a surprise or confirmed long-held suspicions, the moment of discovery is often traumatic and can lead to experiencing betrayal trauma.
Symptoms of infidelity trauma include intense grief or sadness, anger, gastrointestinal issues, extreme fatigue, and obsessing about the details of the betrayal, among others.
You can overcome betrayal trauma, but healing from infidelity takes time and patience with yourself. It may also require help from a mental health professional.
Healing From Infidelity
It’s not fair that you’re left to deal with betrayal when you shouldn’t have to. Yet, here you are. You aren’t responsible for what happened to you, but it’s your job to heal yourself. Healing from infidelity is going to take time and courage, and the process won’t always feel linear or graceful.
Healing from infidelity doesn’t mean forgetting what happened. Instead, it’s about learning to live with your new reality and thrive in spite of the betrayal, whether that be with your partner or on your own.
Validate Your Emotions
There’s no “right” way to respond to betrayal. One vital step in healing from infidelity is allowing yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. It shouldn’t have happened in the first place, so every emotion you have is valid. It’s ok to be furious one minute and devastated the next. Give yourself grace. Recognizing and allowing your emotions to just be what they are helps you move through the healing process.
Seek Support
Your partner betrayed you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t trust anyone. Support from loved ones and even mental health professionals is critical as you work to understand and process what happened to you. Betrayal trauma groups, which are made up of other women who’ve experienced something similar to what you’re going through, can also be beneficial. Support is not a sign of weakness. It’s a vital step toward reclaiming your wholeness.
Work to Understand
It’s natural to want to understand why this happened and if there’s anything you could have done differently. It’s also important to recognize that your husband’s decision to be unfaithful was about him, not you. Infidelity can stem from many factors, but none of them justify betrayal.
Understanding the context may help you process the situation, but healing requires you to separate their behavior from your self-worth. You aren’t responsible for someone else’s inability to honor the relationship or their commitments.
Decide About the Relationship
Will you work to heal the relationship or move forward on your own? There’s no right answer to this question, and it’s ok if you don’t want to decide immediately. But at some point, you’ll both need to determine if your relationship is worth saving.
Rebuild Trust
Part of healing from infidelity is learning to trust yourself again. Betrayal leaves you questioning yourself and your instincts. Rebuilding trust starts with honoring your feelings, setting clear boundaries, and listening to your intuition. Remember to treat yourself with the same compassion you would give someone else. Once you rebuild trust in yourself, you’ll be able to begin trusting others again.
Forgive the Past
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, excusing, or reconciling, but it does mean letting go of the emotions that are further harming you so you can move on with your life. Forgiveness can only happen when you’re ready, whether it’s forgiving your partner or yourself for not seeing what was happening sooner. It’s something you give yourself — maybe even repeatedly — when you’re ready to stop carrying the weight of someone else’s choices.
Move Forward
Healing from infidelity is a process of rediscovering your authentic self, including your strength, voice, and value. It could mean rebuilding your relationship or creating a new life on your own. Either way, remember to choose yourself as you move forward.
Healing with Begin Again Institute
You owe it to yourself to heal from infidelity and move forward with the life you deserve. Begin Again Institute is here to help. Our 6-Day Partner Intensive is designed specifically for partners who’ve experienced the pain of betrayal trauma and are ready to heal.
We are here to help guide you through healing from infidelity. If you’re ready, contact us today.
Laurie is a Certified Partner Coach, a licensed Pastoral Counselor, and a certified Pastoral Sex Addiction Professional. Formerly President of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists. She is Past President of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) as well as a member of the International Critical Incident Stress Management Foundation and International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals.
