You found out your husband has been unfaithful. Now, you feel isolated, but you wonder if you really are. How common is infidelity? It may happen more than you think. And while that doesn’t make it acceptable, it may help you see that you can come out on the other side of it as a healthier person or couple.
How Common Is Infidelity? What the Data Says
If you’ve found yourself typing, “how common is infidelity?” into your search bar at 2 a.m., you’re not alone, at least according to the research on the subject.
Studies on infidelity vary widely depending on how they define cheating and how they gather data, but the numbers are consistently higher than most people expect.
Research published in journals like the Journal of Marriage and Family and the Archives of Sexual Behavior suggests that somewhere between 20-25% of married men and 10-15% of married women report having been sexually unfaithful to a spouse at some point in a marriage. Some studies, particularly those that include emotional affairs and other forms of betrayal, put the numbers even higher, with estimates reaching as high as 1-in-3 marriages affected.
And the numbers are probably even higher. Infidelity research relies on self-reporting, which means people have to be willing to honestly admit that they’ve been unfaithful or been cheated on. Shame, fear, and denial keep many people from doing that. Some people don’t even fully acknowledge it to themselves.
The definition matters too. Many studies only count sexual infidelity, leaving out emotional affairs, serial online behavior, or the kind of prolonged deception that often accompanies intimacy disorders. When researchers broaden the definition, the numbers climb.
Why Infidelity Happens
When the shock of discovery lessens, most women find themselves asking the same question: Why? Not just why did he cheat, but how could he do this? And why didn’t you see it?
For some men, infidelity really is a bad behavior. It’s a character flaw. Something in them that helps them justify it, regardless of the consequences. For others, it may be a terrible mistake. But for a significant number of men who engage in repeated infidelity or compulsive sexual behavior, the root isn’t a lack of love for their partner. It’s an intimacy disorder.
An intimacy disorder makes it difficult for a person to form true, vulnerable connections with other people. They keep relationships surface because they’re afraid they’ll get hurt if they allow themselves to get too close emotionally. Intimacy disorders typically result from attachment issues or other unresolved trauma.
While an intimacy disorder may explain why your husband cheated, it doesn’t excuse it.
An intimacy disorder explains the mechanism behind the behavior. It tells you something about how this happened and what may be necessary to heal from it. However, your husband is still responsible for the choices he made and the harm they caused. A diagnosis or a difficult history does not transfer that responsibility to you, and it doesn’t mean you are obligated to minimize what you experienced.
Why You Feel So Alone
Even knowing how common infidelity is probably doesn’t make you feel better. You likely still feel alone. It’s incredibly painful to discover that your husband deceived you. It’s also difficult to come to terms with the fact that your relationship isn’t what you thought it was. In that way, you’re going through the stages of mourning a relationship, even while trying to decide if it’s worth saving.
It also seems like you’re alone because people don’t talk about infidelity. Statistically speaking, you probably have friends who have been through this experience and had feelings similar to yours, but they aren’t talking about it. The hurt and shame keeps them quiet. It feels like something you have to deal with in secret.
The trauma of betrayal is an isolating experience. Betrayal trauma is the emotional pain a person experiences after someone they trust betrays them. The result is that you may question your judgment and feel like you can’t trust anyone again, including yourself. Betrayal trauma impacts your mind and body, so that even if you are willing to seek out support, you may just not feel physically or emotionally able to. But you don’t have to try to heal from the hurt of infidelity alone.
Two Paths to Healing
You didn’t choose for this to happen to you, but now you have a decision to make. Do you want to heal together or go your own way? Regardless of what you decide, certain things must happen to heal from infidelity:
- Acknowledging the trauma
- Finding a therapist who understands betrayal trauma specifically
- Building or identifying a community of people to support you
- Being patient with yourself as you grieve and recover
Path 1: Healing the Relationship Together
Choosing to stay and work on your marriage after infidelity is one of the most courageous and demanding things a person can do. It means you’re deciding together to build something new.
The work begins with your husband. He must be fully accountable for what he’s done and how it hurt you and others.
He also needs to seek professional help. Specifically, a therapist who specializes in sexual addiction, intimacy disorders, or compulsive sexual behavior. Recovery from an intimacy disorder isn’t a matter of trying harder or loving you more. It requires sustained, structured therapeutic work that dismantles the shame and fear that drove the behavior in the first place.
As your husband works on his issues, you also must work to heal yourself. That means processing your own trauma with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma. In that work, you’ll rebuild your sense of self and make a genuine and informed choice about whether you want to continue in the marriage.
Path 2: Healing on Your Own
Leaving a marriage after infidelity isn’t giving up. For many women, it’s the most self-honoring decision they have ever made. But leaving the marriage doesn’t mean you don’t still have work to do to heal.
Healing outside of the relationship also begins with trauma recovery. The betrayal happened to you, regardless of what happens to your marriage. Your nervous system, your sense of self, and your ability to trust need care, whether or not your husband is in the picture. Individual therapy with a betrayal trauma specialist is the most important investment you can make in yourself during this time.
Beyond that, surround yourself with people who understand, care about you, and are there to support you. This support could even include a betrayal trauma group of women with similar experiences.
Moving Forward After Infidelity
You didn’t want it or ask for it, but infidelity is now part of your story. And it’s much more common than you think. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to figure this all out by yourself.
At Begin Again Institute, we specialize in the type of healing you both need. Our intensive programs are for men dealing with intimacy disorders and women working to overcome betrayal trauma.
We’re here, whether you are ready to take a step toward healing your relationship or you need someone who can help you heal from betrayal.
Contact us today to learn more and get started.
Edward Tilton is a proven behavioral healthcare leader with an established track record in the recovery industry space. As an accomplished healthcare leader, Ed has diverse management experience including clinical and business operations, expansion of program development, and clinical service offerings.
