Has your partner ever made you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality? You know something happened, but when you try to talk to them about it, they insist it never did. They say you’re being “crazy” or “making things up.” This leaves you confused and questioning your own memory and sanity. This could be a sign of gaslighting, a form of emotional abuse.
Gaslighting is a subtle yet powerful type of manipulation in which false information is presented as the truth to get another person to doubt themselves. It’s a tactic often used by sex or pornography addicts to hide their behavior from their partners.
Because it happens so subtly and gradually, gaslighting can be difficult to spot. But understanding how to recognize gaslighting is crucial for protecting your mental health and well-being.
Understanding Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which another person tries to get you to doubt your own beliefs and perceptions of reality. It’s a type of emotional abuse in which the gaslighter attempts to gain control and power over you.
Over time, gaslighting can make you question your own memory, judgment, instincts, and even your sanity. It can cause you to lose confidence and self-esteem, making you more dependent on the abuser. In the long term, it can also negatively affect your mental health, contributing to issues like anxiety and depression.
While gaslighting can happen in any relationship, it’s most common in intimate partner relationships, particularly when infidelity or addiction are involved. The abuser may use gaslighting to deny their actions and manipulate you into believing they aren’t doing anything wrong.
Signs and Symptoms of Gaslighting
Gaslighting usually happens slowly and gradually over time, so it’s not always obvious, even to the person being abused. Below are some signs that you may be experiencing gaslighting in a relationship.
Signs that you’re being gaslit:
- Feeling like you are constantly questioning reality
- Second-guessing your own thoughts and perceptions
- Experiencing self-doubt and low self-esteem
- Feeling like you’re too sensitive
- Feeling like you’re always in the wrong
- Needing to apologize seemingly constantly
- Regularly making excuses for your partner’s behavior
- Struggling to make simple decisions by yourself
- Frequent anxiety and worry
- Feeling sad and hopeless but unsure of why
How To Recognize Gaslighting
Gaslighting often involves subtle manipulative behaviors designed to make you doubt your reality. The goal is to make you feel disoriented, confused, and vulnerable, without realizing you’re being manipulated. A range of techniques can be used in gaslighting.
Common gaslighting techniques include:
- Denying. The abuser conceals the truth by outright denial. They insist that something did not happen or was not said, even when you know it to be true. They may say things like “I don’t remember that happening” or “You’re making things up.”
- Countering. They question your memory to make you doubt yourself. They claim you’re forgetting what really happened; “Are you sure? You do have a bad memory.” If they counter enough, you may second-guess your recollection of events.
- Trivializing. They minimize your feelings by telling you you’re “overreacting.” Or they claim they were “only joking” after saying something hurtful. When you voice your concerns, they say you’re being “too sensitive” or “dramatic.”
- Discrediting. A gaslighter will also attempt to discredit you to others. They’ll tell those around you that you’re “crazy” or “paranoid.” This technique isolates you from your support network and gets people to take their side.
- Shifting Blame. They shift the blame onto you to avoid responsibility for their actions. For example, “If you’d have paid more attention to me, then I wouldn’t have cheated” or “It’s your fault I behave this way.” They may also project their own behaviors back onto you and claim that you are the one lying or being manipulative.
- Withholding. The abuser pretends not to understand you or refuses to listen to your concerns. They might say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” and walk away. They don’t allow you the opportunity to put your thoughts and feelings across.
- Diverting. They deliberately confuse you by being vague, contradictory, or changing the subject when you try to talk to them. They make it difficult to have a clear and concise conversation.
Gaslighting and Sex Addiction
Gaslighting is often used by men with sex or pornography addictions to hide the truth about their behavior. If your partner has a sexual addiction, they may use gaslighting techniques to manipulate you into ignoring the signs that you’re with a sex addict.
Examples of what gaslighting related to sex addiction can look like:
- You discover a hidden stash of pornography on your partner’s computer. When you ask them about it, they deny it. They say, “I’ve never seen that before” or “Someone else must have used my computer.” You doubt your own initial judgment.
- Your partner often claims that they are working late at the office, but you believe they’re not telling the truth. When you confront them, they tell you that you’re being “crazy” and “paranoid.” They say they are working late trying to provide for you and you’re overthinking things. You feel guilty for accusing them.
- You find out your partner has cheated on you, so you confront them. They immediately shift the blame back onto you by saying, “If you had sex with me more, I wouldn’t have to look for it elsewhere.” They make you feel like you’re the problem, and that you caused their infidelity.
In such cases, the gaslighting can be just as damaging to your relationship, if not more so, than the initial addictive behavior. All of the lying, deceit, and emotional abuse can break down trust, leading to betrayal trauma. It can make things worse than if your partner had simply admitted to their addiction in the first place.
Being betrayed by someone you love and depend on can cause long-lasting emotional wounds that affect all aspects of your life. It gives you a distorted perception of what a relationship should look like. You may even have trouble trusting others in the future.
How to Respond to Gaslighting
Gaslighting can happen to anyone and can be incredibly damaging. You can’t stop your partner’s behavior, but there are steps you can take to protect yourself.
Strategies to protect yourself from gaslighting include:
- Keep a Journal. If you do often doubt yourself, start taking notes. Write down any key events or conversations immediately after they happen. You don’t have to show these to your partner, but you can refer back to them when your memory is called into question. Having indisputable evidence helps you stay grounded in your reality.
- Be Assertive Without Being Reactive. When responding to a gaslighter, it’s best to remain calm and not fuel an argument. Often they are trying to provoke a reaction, but you should still be assertive and set clear boundaries. Try, “It seems we remember things differently, but I am not imagining this,” or “I know you’re upset but my feelings are also valid.”
- Trust Your Instincts. When something feels off, it probably is. Don’t dismiss your gut feelings. A gaslighter wants you to doubt your own beliefs and instincts.
- Seek Support. If you feel like you’re being gaslighted in your relationship, it’s a good idea to get an outsider’s opinion. Confide in someone that you trust. Be honest with them about how you feel and what you’re going through. Loved ones can offer support and guidance.
- Seek Professional Help. You may also want to talk to a mental health professional. A therapist can give an unbiased perspective on the situation and help you decide what to do. They can also help you process and heal from the betrayal trauma the gaslighting may have caused.
Getting Help From Begin Again Institute
Unfortunately, gaslighting in intimate partner relationships often goes unnoticed, even by the person experiencing it. But gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation that shouldn’t be ignored. It can take a huge toll on your mental health and well-being. These effects are why it’s so important to recognize and respond to it.
If your partner is using gaslighting techniques, they may be trying to hide something, such as a sex or pornography addiction. In this instance, it’s up to them to seek sex addiction treatment, like that at Begin Again Institute. Whether you choose to continue with the relationship or not, your priority should be healing from the trauma the gaslighting has caused you.
At Begin Again Institute, we offer a 5-day partner intensive program that is specifically designed for partners of sex addicts who have experienced the pain of betrayal trauma. Working with trauma-informed therapists, this intensive will help you make sense of what you’re going through, process your emotions, and take the right next step for you.
Contact us today to find out more.
A former betrayed partner herself, Crystal brings experience and empathy to her client relationships. She began her own journey to healing in 2015, which led her to pursue a Life Coaching Certification through the International Coaching Federation.
