What Is a Trauma Bond Relationship?

Bonding emotionally with another person sounds good, maybe even ideal, but not all bonds are healthy. A trauma bond is one of those unhealthy connections. So, what is a trauma bond, and how do you know if you have one? It’s when you can’t separate the trauma from the love you feel for the person causing it.

What Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a deep emotional attachment that you form with someone abusive. It’s often the result of repeated cycles of abuse and manipulation with kindness sprinkled in. This type of bond isn’t rooted in mutual respect or love. Instead, it’s based on a pattern of psychological control that creates confusion, dependence, and a sense of loyalty to someone who harms you.

Trauma bonds often happen in romantic relationships, but they aren’t limited to partners. This type of bond also happens in families, friendships, workplaces, or any relationship where there’s a power imbalance and emotional manipulation.

You can think of trauma bonding as a survival response. Basically, your brain becomes conditioned to associate brief moments of relief or affection with hope, reinforcing the cycle and making it almost impossible to recognize the relationship as toxic.

How Trauma Bonds Form

Trauma bonds develop gradually through a repetitive cycle of abuse. At the cycle’s center are moments of affection that leave you questioning yourself and wanting more of those good times. 

Trauma bonds often follow this pattern:

• Tension Building. You sense something is off. There may be passive-aggressive behavior or emotional withdrawal.
• Incident of Abuse. The abuser lashes out at you, verbally, emotionally, physically, or otherwise.
• Reconciliation. The abuser apologizes, makes excuses, or shows affection. This stage can feel intensely loving or validating.
• Calm. Things seem steady again, and you think the worst is behind you or maybe that you exaggerated what happened.

Over time, the emotional highs and lows create a powerful attachment, similar to an addiction. The brain begins to equate the abuser’s affection with relief and safety, even if it comes infrequently.

Signs You May Be in a Trauma Bond Relationship

Recognizing a trauma bond can be difficult, especially when you’re in the midst of the relationship. You feel torn between love, loyalty, and manipulation. Maybe you even question if other relationships are like this or if you’re imagining the difficult times.

Signs you may be in a trauma bond relationship:

• Intensity. You feel addicted to the relationship, even when it hurts. You frequently think about the other person, crave their approval, or feel anxious when you’re apart, even when they aren’t nice to you.
• Excuses. You make excuses or downplay their behavior.
• Isolation. You feel isolated from your support system. This may be intentional because the other person may be removing others from your life to help hide their actions.
• Fear. You’re constantly trying to avoid conflict or keep the peace. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
• Reliance. You feel stuck, like you can’t leave. Part of you wants to remove yourself from the situation, but you think you need the other person.
• Hope. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, you continue to hope the person will change and you can have the relationship you expected.

Why Trauma Bonds Are So Hard to Break

Trauma bonds keep you from moving forward, even when you know it’s best for you and you understand that what’s happening isn’t how it should be. 

Trauma bonds are difficult to break because of: 

• Emotional Dependency. The cycle of abuse and affection creates a strong emotional pull. When someone becomes a source of pain and comfort, it creates a confusing, powerful attachment.
• Hope for Change. You want things to be better, so you believe your abuser will change when they say they will, even though they’ve made those promises in the past.
• Fear of the Unknown. Leaving a trauma bond often means stepping into uncertainty. That can feel terrifying, especially if you’re isolated or the person has eroded your self-esteem.
• Guilt and Self-Blame. You may think it’s your fault or that you deserve to be treated poorly. In this situation, shame keeps you stuck.
• Trauma Response. Your body can become physically and psychologically addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship, like an addiction. 

How to Begin Healing

Breaking free of a trauma bond will take time, support, and showing yourself compassion, but you can do it. Here are some steps to take in the healing process.

Acknowledge the Issue

You can’t change what you don’t recognize. The first step is recognizing that your relationship may be toxic and that a trauma bond could exist. Naming the experience helps you move toward healing.

Seek Help

A mental health professional who specializes in relationship trauma can help you understand and process what happens in these situations. They’ll also give you the tools you need to move forward as you heal.

Educate Yourself

The more you know about relationship trauma and trauma bonds, the more empowered you’ll be during your healing journey. Learn everything you can. A mental health professional will also help with informational support.

Identify Your Support Network

Your abuser probably benefited from keeping you isolated, but you need support, especially as you heal. Identify trusted loved ones you can share your experience with and rely on.

Set Boundaries

You can’t heal if you’re still stuck in the same environment that caused the trauma in the first place. Establish and maintain boundaries with the person who caused the trauma bond. It may be best to avoid them completely.

Practice Self-Compassion

Speak kindly to yourself and show yourself grace during your healing process. You didn’t ask for this to happen to you. It’s not your fault. But it did happen, and healing will take time.

Help Healing From a Trauma Bond Relationship

Healing from a trauma bond relationship won’t be immediate, but it’s possible. Most importantly, you deserve to heal from the trauma that happened to you and live a happy, emotionally healthy life. 

If you experienced a trauma bond as a result of a relationship with someone with an intimacy disorder, including sex or pornography addictions, Begin Again Institute is here to help. Our 6-Day Partner Intensive is designed specifically for partners who’ve experienced the pain of betrayal trauma and are ready to heal. 
We are here to help guide you on your journey to recovery. If you’re ready, contact us today.